Quotes from
Addams Family Values (1993)
Young Girl: ...and then Mommy kissed Daddy, and the angel told the stork, and the stork flew down from heaven, and put the diamond under a leaf in the cabbage patch, and the diamond turned into a baby!Pugsley: Our parents are having a baby too.
Wednesday: They had sex.
Debbie: [meeting Gomez] Well, isn't he a lady killer!
Gomez: Acquitted.
Amanda Buckman: Is that your bathing suit?
Wednesday: Is that your overbite?
Gary Granger: One of you will be the drowning victim and the one will be our lifesaver.
Amanda Buckman: I'll be the victim!
Wednesday: All your life.
Morticia: You have enslaved him. You have placed him under some strange sexual spell. I respect that. But please, may we see him?
Wednesday: I don't want to be in the pageant.
Gary: Don't you want me to realize my vision?
Wednesday: Your work is puerile and under-dramatized. You lack any sense of structure, character, or the Aristotelian unities.
Gary: Young lady, I am getting just a tad tired of your attitude problem.
Wednesday: I'm not perky.
Amanda Buckman: Well, that's for damn sure.
Debbie: These Addams men, where do you find them?
Morticia: It has to be damp.
Pugsley: We don't hug.
Gary: Oh, you're just shy.
Wednesday: We're not shy, we're contagious.
Amanda Buckman: Why are you dressed like somebody died?
Wednesday: Wait.
[about Pubert]
Gomez: He has my father's eyes.
Morticia: Gomez, take those out of his mouth.
Gomez: Children, why do you hate the baby?
Pugsley: We don't hate him. We just wanna play with him.
Wednesday: Especially his head.
Gomez: [to Fester] You'll meet someone. Someone very special. Someone who won't press charges.
Debbie: I don't want to hurt anybody. I don't enjoy hurting anybody. I don't like guns or bombs or electric chairs, but sometimes people just won't listen and so I have to use persuasion, and slides. My parents, Sharon and Dave. Generous, doting, or were they? All I ever wanted was a Ballerina Barbie in her pretty pink tutu. My birthday, I was 10 and do you know what they got me? Malibu Barbie. That's not what I wanted, that's not who I was. I was a ballerina. Graceful. Delicate. They had to go. My first husband, the heart surgeon. All day long, coronaries, transplants. "Sorry about dinner, Deb, the Pope has a cold." Husband number 2: the senator. He loved his state. He loved his country. Sorry Debbie. No Mercedes this year. We have to set an example." Oh yeah. Set this! My latest husband. My late, late husband Fester, and his adorable family. You took me in. You accepted me. But did any of you love me? I mean, really love me? So I killed. So I maimed. So I destroyed one innocent life after another. Aren't I a human being? Don't I yearn and ache... and shop? Don't I deserve love... and jewelry? Good-bye everybody. Wish me luck.
The Addams Family: Good luck.
Debbie: Would you die for me?
Uncle Fester: Yes.
Debbie: Promise?
[as an Indian, ad-libbing during a Thanksgiving play]
Wednesday: Wait, we can not break bread with you. You have taken the land which is rightfully ours. Years from now my people will be forced to live in mobile homes on reservations. Your people will wear cardigans, and drink highballs. We will sell our bracelets by the road sides, and you will play golf, and eat hot h'ors d'ourves. My people will have pain and degradation. Your people will have stick shifts. The gods of my tribe have spoken. They said do not trust the pilgrims, especially Sarah Miller. And for all of these reasons I have decided to scalp you and burn your village to the ground.
Delivery Room Doctor: Would you like some anesthesia?
Morticia: No, but do ask the children.
[the dancer in the cake doesn't pop out]
Gomez: The poor girl. Lurch, was she in there before you baked?
[Lurch hangs his head]
Morticia: I'm just like every modern woman trying to have it all. A loving husband, a family. I only wish I had more time to see out the dark forces and join their hellish crusade.
Wednesday: You sent us to camp. They made us sing.
Debbie Jellinsky: I'll get you - and your little hand, too!
Uncle Fester: Dementia, what a beautiful name.
Dementia: It means "insanity."
Uncle Fester: My name is Fester. It means "to rot."
Joel Glicker: You know what happens if my mother uses fabric softener? I die.
[Nanny holds up puppet]
Polly/Nanny: Hello, I'm Polly the Puppet.
Nanny: What do you think we should do today?
Polly: I know, lets all clean our rooms!"
[Wednesday holds up Devil-like puppet]
Wednesday: Hello Polly, I will clean my room... in exchange for your immortal soul.
Morticia: Wednesday's at that age when a young girl has only one thing on her mind.
Ellen Buckman: Boys?
Wednesday: Homicide.
[at Camp Chippewa]
Pugsley: What does chippewa mean?
Gomez: It's an old Indian word.
Wednesday: It means orphan.
Gomez: At his request, I would crawl on my belly through hot coals and broken glass.
Morticia: Why wait?
[Pugsley hits a bird during archery practice]
Becky Martin-Granger: It's an American Bald Eagle!
Gary Granger: Aren't they extinct?
Wednesday: They are now.
[At Debbie's house]
Morticia: Where are we?
Grandma: Looks familiar... of course, the gates of hell.
Debbie Jellinsky: I'll be leaving the country very soon.
Ticket Agent: Will you be traveling alone?
Debbie Jellinsky: Yes, I'll be a widow.
Morticia: My baby is sick and my husband is dying. Oh Mama, What shall I do?
Grandma: Well, you have a black dress.
Grandma: An axe. That takes me back...
Gary: Yes indeed, Bambi.
Becky: Lassie Come Home.
Gary: The Little Mermaid.
Wednesday: Stoppit.
Joel: He's only a child.
Morticia: [confronting Debbie in her house] You have gone too far. You have married Fester, you have destroyed his spirit, you have taken him from us. All that I could forgive. But Debbie... pastels?
[Grandma waves a skull at Debbie]
Grandma: Luxor, nexor, burst and BURN!
Debbie Jellinsky: What is she doing?
Grandma: Just a curse. Have a nice day.
[air kiss]
[At the police station after asking to arrest Debbie]
Gomez: Has the planet gone mad? My brother... passion's hostage. I seek justice! Denied. I shall not submit! I shall conquer! I shall rise! My name is Gomez Addams, and I have seen evil!
[Grandma waves Pubert in the air]
Gomez: I have seen horror!
[Lerch waves]
Gomez: I have seen the unholy maggots which feast in the dark recesses of the human soul!
Morticia: They're at camp.
Gomez: I have seen all this officer. But until today, I have never seen... YOU!
Desk sergeant: Hook him, book him, cook him. NOW!
Gomez: My name is Gomez Addams, and I have seen evil!
[Pubert coos]
Gomez: I have seen HORROR!
[Lurch smiles and raises his hand]
Gomez: I HAVE SEEN THE UNHOLY MAGGOTS WHICH FEAST IN THEE DARK RECESSES OF THE HUMAN SOUL!
Morticia: They're at camp.
Gomez: I have seen all this, Officer. But until today, I had never seen... YOU!
Gomez: I DEMAND JUSTICE! SOMEONE HAS MARRIED MY BROTHER!
Desk sergeant: [sarcasticly] No.
Gomez: She took him to Hawaii
Desk sergeant: [mover cynically] Get out of here!
Gomez: They have moved into a large, expensive home, where they make love CONSTANTLY!
Desk sergeant: I hate when that happens
Gomez: Arrest her at once, without delay!
Desk sergeant: Who?
Gomez: Debbie. My brother's wife, the temptress of Waikiki!
Desk sergeant: Who are you? What are you? Who moved the rock?
Gomez: Officer, you have to issue a subpoena. I believe they own . . .
Morticia: Gomez, NO!
Gomez: A BUICK!
Margaret Addams: What.
Debbie Jellinsky: Oh, I didn't say anything.
Margaret Addams: No, that's the baby's nickname. "What."
Debbie: FREEZE!
Uncle Fester: Pookie?
Debbie: I tried to make it look like an accident. I tried to give you some dignity. But oh no, not you.
Uncle Fester: What are you saying?
Debbie: I'm saying I want you dead and I want your money.
Uncle Fester: But... but... don't you love me?
Debbie: AH HA HA HA!
Uncle Fester: Is that a no?
Uncle Fester: I'm her husband.
Debbie: Fester!
Uncle Fester: Gimme a kiss.
Debbie: Gimme a twenty.
Wednesday: Be afraid, be very afraid.
Ron Buckman: Our Amanda's skipped two grades already. How about your boy?
Gomez: [beaming] Probation!
Wednesday: What are you in for?
Joel: I wouldn't go horse back riding.
Wednesday: That's all?
Joel: And I wouldn't make a bird house.
Wednesday: Why not?
Joel: I just wanted to read.
Gary: [Pops in and takes Joel's book] Not on my time, four eyes. Ha ha ha ha ha!
Joel Glicker: How do I look?
Wednesday: Disturbing
Uncle Fester: I remember how she used to turn to me and say, "Jesus Fester, go back to your room!"
Gomez: [to Fester] I hope someday you know the indescribable joy of having children, and of paying someone else to raise them.
Morticia: Children, do you think that we love the baby more than we love you?
Wednesday, Pugsley: Yes.
Morticia: Do you think that when there's a new baby in the house, one of the other children has to die?
Wednesday, Pugsley: Yes.
Grandma: Well that's just not true - not anymore.
Nanny: Now, I've had it up to here! Where is that baby?
Wednesday: Which part?
Morticia: Gomez wonderful news, I'm going to have a child. Right now
Gomez: [just upon returning from the hospital room, bursting] ]
[shouts]
Gomez: It's an Addams!
Debbie Jellinsky: Fester... are you willing to make the ultimate sacrifice?
Uncle Fester: ...a goat?
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