Quotes from
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Principal: Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
Billy: I swear to God I'm sick! I can't go to school.
Juanita: If you're gonna stay home today, you can help me shave my armpits!
Billy: Oh my God! I'll go to school!
Billy: I feel like an idiot. But I am an idiot, so it kinda works out.
Billy Madison: Back to school! Back to school, to prove to Dad that I'm not a fool! I got my lunch packed up, my boots tied tight, I hope I don't get in a fight! Ohhhh, back to school! Back to school! Back to school! Well, here goes nothing!
Frank: When I graduated from first grade, all my dad did was tell me to get a job.
Billy: He's gonna shit when he realizes it's shit.
Billy: He called the shit poop!
Veronica Vaughn: No milk will ever be our milk.
Knibb High Principal: Any attempt to cheat, especially with my wife, who is a dirty, dirty, tramp, and I will probably just snap.
Karl: I ate some Triscuit crackers in the car, you should have had some.
Eric: Well, maybe if you told me they were delicious Triscuit crackers I could have enjoyed them with you.
Karl: I'm sorry.
Eric: Well, "sorry" doesn't put the Triscuit crackers in my stomach now, does it Karl?
Brian Madison: Oh, Billy Billy boy. When are you gonna find what ever it is you're looking for?
Billy: Here's a nice piece of shit.
3rd Grader: Hey look everybody, Billy peed his pants.
Billy: Of course I peed my pants, everyone my age pees their pants. It's the coolest!
3rd Grader: Really?
Billy: Yeah! You ain't cool, unless you pee your pants!
Old Farm Lady: If peeing in your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis.
Billy: That is the grossest thing I've ever heard in my life. Let's Go!
Billy Madison: Shampoo is better! I go on first and clean the hair! Conditioner is better! I make the hair silky and smooth!
Principal: At no point in your rambling, did you even come close to an intelligent thought. I award you no points, may God have mercy on your soul.
Billy Madison: A simple no would've done just fine.
Busdriver: That Veronica Vaughn is one hot piece of ass. I know from experience, dude.
Billy Madison: No you don't.
Busdriver: I don't. But a friend of mine...he and her, got it on! Wooo-eee!
Billy Madison: No, no they didn't.
Busdriver: You're right...but you can imagine what it'd be like.
Clown: Hey, kids, it's me! I bet you thought that I was dead! But when I fell over I just broke my leg and got a hemmorage in my head! HA HA HA!!!
Billy Madison: WHERE'S MY SNACK PACK?!?!
Juanita: You got a banana, you don't need no snack pack.
Billy Madison: Miss Lippy, the part of the story I don't like, is that the boy stops looking for his dog after an hour. He just sits on his porch like a goon, he didn't put up posters or anything. That boy's gotta think "You got a pet, you got a responsibility! You can't just look for an hour and call it quits. So you get your ass out there and you find that fuckin' dog!"
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