Quotes from
Life of Brian (1979)
Brian: Excuse me. Are you the Judean People's Front?
Reg: Fuck off! We're the People's Front of Judea
Reg: All right, but apart from the sanitation, medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?
Attendee: Brought peace?
Reg: Oh, peace -- shut up!
Reg: There is not one of us who would not gladly suffer death to rid this country of the Romans once and for all.
Dissenter: Uh, well, one.
Reg: Oh, yeah, yeah, there's one. But otherwise, we're solid.
Brian: Have I got a big nose, Mum?
Mandy: Stop thinking about sex!
Brian: I wasn't!
Mandy: You're always on about it. "Will the girls like this? Will the girls like that? Is it too big? Is it too small?"
Brian: I am NOT the Messiah!
Arthur: I say you are Lord, and I should know. I've followed a few.
Reg: If you want to join the People's Front of Judea, you have to really hate the Romans.
Brian: I do!
Reg: Oh yeah, how much?
Brian: A lot!
Reg: Right, you're in.
[A line of prisoners files past a jailer.]
Jailer: Crucifixion?
Prisoner: Yes.
Jailer: Good. Out of the door, line on the left, one cross each. [Next prisoner.] Crucifixion?
Prisoner 2: Er, no, freedom actually.
Jailer: What?
Prisoner 2: Yeah, they said I hadn't done anything and I could go and live on an island somewhere.
Jailer: Oh I say, that's very nice. Well, off you go then.
Prisoner 2: No, I'm just pulling your leg, it's crucifixion really.
Jailer: [laughing] Oh yes, very good. Well...
Prisoner 2: Yes I know, out of the door, one cross each, line on the left.
Wise man: We were led by a star.
Brian's mother: Led by a bottle, you mean.
Suicide Squad Leader: We are the Judean People's Front crack suicide squad! Suicide squad, attack! [they all stab themselves] That showed 'em, huh?
Brian's Mother: He's not the Messiah. He's a very naughty boy!
Brian: I'm not a roman mum, I'm a kike, a yid, a heebie, a hook-nose, I'm kosher mum, I'm a Red Sea pedestrian, and proud of it!
Brian: I'm not the Messiah! Will you please listen? I am not the Messiah, do you understand?! Honestly!
Girl: Only the true Messiah denies His divinity.
Brian: What?! Well, what sort of chance does that give me? All right! I am the Messiah!
Followers: He is! He is the Messiah!
Brian: Now, fuck off!
[silence]
Arthur: How shall we fuck off, O Lord?
Brian: There's no pleasing some people.
Beggar: That's what Jesus said.
Brian: You are all individuals!
The Crowd: We are all individuals!
Brian: You have to be different!
The Crowd: Yes, we are all different!
Small lonely voice: I'm not!
Mandy: What star sign is he?
Wise Man #2: Capricorn.
Mandy: Capricorn, eh? What are they like?
Wise Man #2: He is the son of God, our Messiah.
Wise Man #1: King of the Jews.
Mandy: And that's Capricorn, is it?
Wise Man #3: No, no, that's just him.
Mandy: Oh, I was going to say, otherwise there'd be a lot of them.
Stan: It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them.
Reg: But you can't have babies.
Stan: Don't you oppress me.
Reg: I'm not oppressing you, Stan -- you haven't got a womb. Where's the fetus going to gestate? You going to keep it in a box?
[Stan starts crying.]
Judith: Here! I've got an idea. Suppose you agree that he can't actually have babies, not having a womb, which is nobody's fault, not even the Romans', but that he can have the *right* to have babies.
Francis: Good idea, Judith. We shall fight the oppressors for your right to have babies, brother. Sister, sorry.
Centurion: You know the penalty laid down by Roman law for harboring a known criminal?
Matthias: No.
Centurion: Crucifixion!
Matthias: Oh.
Centurion: Nasty, eh?
Matthias: Could be worse.
Centurion: What you mean "Could be worse"?
Matthias: Well, you could be stabbed.
Centurion: Stabbed? Takes a second. Crucifixion lasts hours. It's a slow, horrible death.
Matthias: Well, at least it gets you out in the open air.
Centurion: You're weird!
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