Quotes from
Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995)
Lover at Picnic: Would you care for some wine?Dracula: I never drink wine... oh, what the hell. Let me try it.
Jonathan Harker: She's alive?
Van Helsing: She's Nosferatu.
Jonathan Harker: She's Italian?
[talking in a deep dramatic voice] Van Helsing: She will become one herself.
Dr. Steward: What?
[repeats himself exactly as before] Van Helsing: She will become one herself.
Dracula: Renfield, you were having a nightmare.
Renfield: A nightmare? But it was so real, so vivid. Two voluptuous women, heaving and grinding. How to describe it.
[pause]
Renfield: Have you ever been to Paris?
Dr. Steward: Allow me to introduce Professor Abraham Van Helsing. He's a doctor of rare diseases as well as a man of theology and philosophy.
Van Helsing: And gynecology.
Dr. Steward: Oh, I didn't know you have your hand in that, too.
Jonathan Harker: [having just been told to drive a stake into Lucy] Oh, this is horrid. Is there no other way?
Van Helsing: Well, we could cut off her head, stuff her mouth with garlic, and tear off her ears.
Jonathan Harker: Give me the stake. No. No, I can't... you do it.
Van Helsing: It must be done by one who loved her in life.
Jonathan Harker: I only liked her.
Van Helsing: Close enough.
[Dracula is hypnotizing a valet at the theatre where Doctor Seward is enjoying an opera]
Dracula: You vill tell Doctor Seward there is a message for him in the lobby... and you will remember nothing of what I tell you.
[the valet goes to open Seward's chambers and nods her head. She opens the curtain to Seward's chambers and stands there with her mouth open for a few moments, then closes the curtain]
Valet: [noticing Dracula standing there] Hello,Can I help you sir?
Dracula: [mimicking her] Can I help you sir?
[normally]
Dracula: What is the matter with you, why did you not tell him?
Valet: About what?
Dracula: About the message!
Valet: For whom?
Dracula: Never mind! I vill tell him myself. And for your miserable performance, you will receive no tip!
Valet: No tip?
Dracula: Ah! That, you remember!
Renfield: Yes, I'm schh-eduled to meet Count Dracula.
Villager #1: [horrified] Dracula!
Villager #2: [horrified] Dracula!
Villager #3: [horrified] Dracula!
Villager #4: ...Schh-eduled?
[a bat poops on the stairs]
Dracula: Children of the night... What a mess they make.
Dracula: [waking up from a bad dream] Oh, it's night-time. I was having a daymare.
Renfield: [upon seeing two voluptuous vampire women - one rubbing a table seductively, the other rubbing the bedpost seductively] My God! What are you doing to the furniture?
Dracula: [after rising from his coffin and hitting his head on a chandelier] I must move the coffin or the chandelier.
[Johnathon drives a stake into Lucy's heart and is subsequently hit by many gallons of blood]
Jonathan Harker: Oh... my... GOD! There's so much blood!
Van Helsing: She just ate! Hit her again!
Jonathan Harker: Oh no... i can't...
Van Helsing: How much blood can she have left?
Van Helsing: [Jonathan hits the stake again and is hit with even more blood than last time]
Van Helsing: She's almost dead!
Jonathan Harker: She's dead enough.
[after becoming a vampire, Lucy comes on to Jonathan]
Jonathan Harker: Please, Lucy! I'm British!
[Lucy opens her cleavage a little]
Lucy Westenra: So are these.
Dracula: [his last line] Renfield, you asshole!
Dr. Steward: Would an enema help?
Renfield: Yes MASTER!
Lucy Westenra: I know you've always wanted me, and I've always wanted you. Finally we can be together.
Jonathan Harker: But Lucy, I'm engaged to Mina... and you're dead.
Lucy Westenra: I'm not dead. I'm undead.
Jonathan Harker: Yes, well, I'm not unengaged.
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