Quotes from
Dumb & Dumber (1994)
Lloyd Christmas: That's a lovely accent you have. New Jersey?
Lady at bus stop: Austria.
Lloyd Christmas: Austria! Well, then. G'day mate! Ha. Ha. Ha. Let's put another shrimp on the barbie!
Lady at bus stop: Let's not.
Lloyd: When I met Mary, I got that old fashioned romantic feeling, where I'd do anything to bone her.
Harry: That's a special feeling.
[After Lloyd trades the van in for a moped]
Harry: Just when I thought you couldn't do anything dumber, you do something like this... and completely redeem yourself!
Harry: So you got fired today?
Lloyd: Yeah, they always freak out when you leave the scene of an accident.
Harry: I lost my job today too.
Lloyd: Man, you are one pathetic loser. No offense.
Harry: Oh, none taken. But you know the thing that burns me though? I spent my entire life savings changing my van into a dog.
Lloyd: It's alright, Har. Chicks love it. It's a shaggin' wagon.
[To the dogs in his van.]
Harry: OK gang, you know the rules, no humping, no licking, no sniffing hineys.
Harry: Check out the funbags on that hosehound.
Lloyd Christmas: I'd like to eat her liver with some fava beans and a bottle of Chianti.
Lloyd: I expected the Rocky Mountains to be a little rockier than this.
Harry: I was thinking the same thing. That John Denver is full of shit, man.
Lloyd: If I know Mary as well as I think I do, she'll invite us right in for tea and strumpets.
Harry: Hi Lloyd!
Lloyd Christmas: Hi Harry!
Harry: How was your day?
Lloyd Christmas: Not bad. Fell of a jetway again.
Harry: I can't believe we drove around all day, and there's not a single job in this town. There is nothing, nada, zip!
Lloyd Christmas: Yeah! Unless you wanna work fourty hours a week.
Harry Dunne: Skis, huh?
Beth Jordan: That's right!
Harry Dunne: Great! They yours?
Beth Jordan: Uh-huh.
Harry Dunne: Both of 'em?
Beth Jordan: Yes.
Harry Dunne: Ah... cool!
Lloyd Christmas: I can't believe it! We've got no food, we've got no jobs, our pets heads are falling off!
Harry: Yeah, well, I don't know. These places just don't do it for me.
Lloyd: What's the matter, Har? Some little filly break your heart?
Harry: No, it was a girl.
Lloyd: Mary... I desperately want to make love to a school-boy.
Lloyd Christmas: Excuse me, miss, what's the soup du jour?
Waitress: The Soup of the Day.
Lloyd Christmas: Mmmm...sounds good, think I'll have that.
Lloyd Christmas: This isn't my real job you know.
Mary Swanson: No?
Lloyd Christmas: Nope. My friend Harry and I are saving up money for a pet store. I got worms!
Mary Swanson: I beg your pardon?
Lloyd Christmas: I got worms! That's what we're going to call it. We're going to specialize in selling worm farms. You know like ant farms. What's the matter, a little tense about the flight?
Mary Swanson: Something like that.
Lloyd Christmas: Well suck me sideways!
PA State Cop: Pull over.
Harry: No. It's a cardigan. But thanks for noticing.
Lloyd Christmas: Yeah. Killer boots man.
Harry: Yeah I called her up, she gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or something, I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.
Airport Clerk: Sir, you can't go in there!
Lloyd Christmas: It's ok, I'm a limo driver!
Harry Dunne: Once, we successfully mated a bulldog with a shitsu.
Mary Swanson: Really?
Harry Dunne: Yeah, we called it a bullshit.
Lloyd Christmas: What are the chances of a guy like you and a girl like me...ending up together?
Mary Swanson: Not good.
Lloyd Christmas: You mean not good like one out of a hundred?
Mary Swanson: I'd say more like one in a million.
[a long sad pause]
Lloyd Christmas: So you're telling me there's a chance? Yeah! I read ya.
Lloyd Christmas: I'm talkin about a place where the beer flows like wine, where the women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. I'm talkin about Aspen.
Harry: I don't know Lloyd, the French are assholes.
Lloyd Christmas: So where are you headin'?
Mary Swanson: Aspen.
Lloyd Christmas: Hmmm, California! Beautiful!
Lloyd Christmas: I'll bet twenty dollars I can get you to make a bet before the day is out.
Harry Dunne: You're on.
Lloyd Christmas: I don't know how I'm gonna do it, but I'll do it.
Harry Dunne: Nice set of hooters you got there!
Mary Swanson: I beg your pardon?!
Harry Dunne: The owls! They're beautiful!
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