Quotes from
Half Baked (1998)
[quitting]Scarface: Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you're cool, and fuck you, I'm out!
Brian: Get some sour cream and onion chips with some dip, man, some beef jerky, some peanut butter. Get some Haagen-Dasz ice cream bars, a whole lot, make sure chocolate, gotta have chocolate, man. Some popcorn, red popcorn, graham crackers, graham crackers with marshmallows, the little marshmallows and little chocolate bars and we can make s'mores, man. Also, celery, grape jelly, Cap'n Crunch with the little Crunch berries, pizzas. We need two big pizzas, man, everything on 'em, with water, whole lotta water, and Funyons.
Kenny Davis: That's it?
Thurgood Jenkins: Yeah, get me that thing we used to eat back in the day? It came in a box. What was it... oh yeah, pussy.
Thurgood Jenkins: You have smoked yourself retarded.
Thurgood Jenkins: I got some bootie! I got some bootie! It was good, too.
Thurgood Jenkins: Don't get me wrong, I love weed. I LOVE IT! But not as much as I love pussy. The end.
Thurgood Jenkins: Oh my goodness! Now that is a titty! That's what I'm talkin' 'bout!
Kenny Davis: You guys gotta get me out of here! There's this guy Nasty Nate who wants my cocktail fruit, and everyone here likes fresh fish! Then The Squirrel Master came out of left field and told me I'm his bitch!
Squirrel Master: Back up Nasty Nate, this my bitch!
Nasty Nate: Better watch your back Fish! Squirrel Master ain't gonna be there for you all the time. Next time I come for you, I'm gonna want some cocktail... FRUIT!
Kenny: Here take it!
[walks away with Squirrel Master]
Kenny: I'm somebody's bitch!
Kenny Davis: No. NO. NO! Devil man! Devil 6-6-6, the mark of the beast! No! Naughty! Naughty jungle of love!
Cocaine Addict: Marijuana is not a drug. I used to suck dick for coke. Now that's an addiction. You ever suck some dick for marijuana?
Enhancement Smoker: You ever see the back of a twenty dollar bill... on weed? Oh, there's some crazy shit, man. There's a dude in the bushes. Has he got a gun? I dunno! RED TEAM GO, RED TEAM GO.
Brian: First of all to understand what happened to killer, you gotta understand who killer the dog was. Now killer was born to a three-legged bitch of a mother. He was always ashamed of this, man. And then right after that he's adopted by this man, Tito Liebowitz he's a small time gun runner and a rotweiler fight promoter. So he puts killer into training. They see killer's good. He is damn good. But then he had the fight of his life. They pit him against his brother nibbles. And killer said "no man that's my brother, I can't fight nibbles" but they made him fight anyway, and killer, he killed nibbles. Killer said "that's it!" he called off all his fights, and he started doing crack, and he freaked out. Then in a rage, he collapsed, and his heart no longer beat. wow.
Thurgood Jenkins: You know uh, I never thought I'd say this to anybody, but you two smoke entirely too much reefer.
Brian: To understand Killer's death, you have to understand Killer the dog. Killer's mother had three legs, and he was ashamed of this. He was adopted by this guy. He raised Rottweilers for fights. And he was good! Killer was good! And then one day... Killer had to fight his own brother, Nibbles. He said, "Naw, man! I can't fight Nibbles!" But they made him do it anyway. And Killer killed Nibbles. So he quit. He called up all his dog friends and started a dangerous pot addiction. And that's how he ended up here.
Thurgood: I never thought I would say this to anyone... but you smoke entirely too much marajuana.
The Guy on the Couch: Hey, is it January?
Thurgood Jenkins: No, it's August.
The Guy on the Couch: Really?
Brian: For 400 dollars I got Jerry Garcia in a pouch, man!
Thurgood Jenkins: Who the fuck told you that?
Brian: The man who sold it to me, Barry Garcia.
Thurgood Jenkins: So who is that, Jerry Garcia's brother?
Brian: No, actually it was Andy Garcia's brother.
Thurgood Jenkins: You apparently missed the entire point to that story.
Thurgood Jenkins: I be from Jamaica, mon.
Samson Simpson: What part of Jamaica?
Thurgood Jenkins: Right near da beach. Whoa-ee!
Sir-Smoke-Alot: Bitch! You know what I want! Hahahahaha! I wanna talk to Samson! Fly me to the moon like that bitch Alice Kramden! 'Cause it's hard being black and gifted! Sometimes I wanna throw it all down and get lifted!
Brian: Lady, seven bucks for a used Kenny Loggins record? I'll give you five.
Record Store Customer: Ugh-huh, he autographed it himself.
Brian: Alright, I'll give you four.
Thurgood Jenkins: So, now we all live together in New York. I myself, am a master of the custodial arts. Or a janitor, if you wanna be a dick about it.
Thurgood Jenkins: Abba Zabba, you my only friend.
Kenny: I didn't know that horse was a diabetic!
Scarface: Don't worry, man. All we gotta do to get you out is to get ten percent of ten million dollars. Which by our calculations is...
Brian: ...Fucking impossible, man!
Scarface: I got it! Why don't we sell that weed that we smoked earlier!
Thurgood Jenkins: We suggested that already!
Scarface: For real, B?
[Phone beeps go off in Scarface's head]
Voice: Marijuana affects the memory.
Thurgood Jenkins: [to Mary Jane] Listen, I really like you. I was just wondering maybe if you're interested we can go out later and get some ice cream or something...
Scarface: OOH! MOTHER FUCKER SAID ICE CREAM!
Brian: BLAH BLAH ICE CREAM! YOU'RE SUCH A DORK, MAN!
Thurgood Jenkins: Damn!
Thurgood Jenkins: Guys just shutup about the weed for two seconds, I don't want this girl to know I smoke
Scarface: Yeah it's bad enough you a janitor yo.
Thurgood Jenkins: Custodian, dick!
Thurgood Jenkins: I love weed, LOVE IT! But not as much as I love pussy!
Thurgood Jenkins: I'm sorry, yo. I don't wanna be the first nigga to die from a crossbow!
Thurgood Jenkins: I don't do drugs, though. Just weed.
Thurgood Jenkins: You know I got some weed at work today, if y'all wanna try it out.
Scarface: Nah, we don't feel like smokin right now.
Thurgood Jenkins: Me neither. So y'all wanna smoke?
Scarface: I'll get Billy Bong Thornton!
Brian: No man. No Billy Bong Thornton without Kenny. That wouldn't be right. Get Wesley Pipes.
Kenny: In eleven days I'm as good as skewered! Ever take your clothes off and run backwards through a cornfield?
Detective: Hey! You paying attention?
Brian: No.
Thurgood Jenkins: If I wasn't from Jamaica, then why would I be wearing this hat?
Samson Simpson: I'm going to kill you little Mexican friend?
Scarface: I'm Cuban, B!
Samson Simpson: YES! Cuban Bee!
Cop: This horse is a diabetic!
Brian: Don't worry. Don't worry. I'm not gonna do what everyone thinks i'm gonna do and..FLIP OUT MAN! All I wanna know is, who's coming with me? Who's coming man? Who's coming with me? Ehh? Who's coming with me man?
Jan: I will.
Brian: Jan. Thank you Jan! Yeah!
Jan: Hahah!
Brian: Hey, Jan... will you be my girlfriend?
Jan: Well, I would, but I'm gay.
Brian: Oh. What's that like?
Kenny Davis: I love horses.
Cop: I love horses.
Kenny Davis: I love Butterstuff.
Cop: Buttercup!
Kenny Davis: Butternuts!
Cop: BUTTERCUP!
Kenny Davis: Cup!
Kenny: [to horse] Hey, girl! You hungry?
Overwight Woman: [walking by and overhears] Fuck you, nigga!
Kenny: I'm sorry! I was talking to the horse.
Sir-Smoke-Alot: The doctor said I need a backiotomy!
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