Quotes from
The Jerk (1979)
Navin: For one dollar I'll guess your weight, your height, or your sex!
Navin: Well I'm gonna to go then! And I don't need any of this! I don't need this stuff, and I don't need you. I don't need anything except this [picks up an ashtray] and that's it and that's the only thing I need, is this. I don't need this or this. Just this ashtray. And this paddle game, the ashtray and the paddle game and that's all I need. And this remote control. The ashtray, the paddle game, and the remote control, and that's all I need. And these matches. The ashtray, and these matches, and the remote control and the paddle ball. And this lamp. The ashtray, this paddle game and the remote control and the lamp and that's all I need. And that's all I need too. I don't need one other thing, not one - I need this! The paddle game, and the chair, and the remote control, and the matches, for sure. And this! And that's all I need. The ashtray, the remote control, the paddle game, this magazine and the chair.
Mother: Navin, I'd love you if you were the color of a baboon's ass.
Navin R. Johnson: I was born a poor black child.
[A sniper keeps missing Navin and hitting cans of motor oil.]
Navin: He hates these cans! Stay away from the cans!
[Navin recites some wisdom.]
Navin R. Johnson: Lord loves a workin' man; don't trust whitey; see a doctor and get rid of it.
Navin R. Johnson: [singing] I'm picking out a Thermos for you! Not an ordinary Thermos for you. But the extra best Thermos that you can buy, with vinyl and stripes and a cup built right in!
Navin R. Johnson: The new phone book's here! The new phone book's here! This is the kind of spontaneous publicity I need! My name in print! That really makes somebody! Things are going to start happening to me now.
Navin R. Johnson: I know we've only known each other 4 weeks and 3 days, but to me it seems like 9 weeks and 5 days.
Mother: Navin, it's your birthday, and it's time you knew. You're not our natural-born child.
Navin R. Johnson: I'm not? You mean I'm gonna STAY this color?
[Stan Fox's glasses keep slipping off.]
Stan Fox: Damn these glasses!
Navin R. Johnson: Yes, sir! [To the glasses.] I damn thee!
Navin R. Johnson: Why are you crying? And why are you wearing that old dress?
Marie: Because I just heard a song on the radio that reminded me of the way we were.
Navin R. Johnson: What was it?
Marie: "The Way We Were."
Navin R. Johnson: First I get my name in the phone book and now I'm on your ass. You know, I'll bet more people see that than the phone book.
[in bed]
Navin R. Johnson: You look so beautiful and peaceful, you almost look dead. And I'm glad, because there's something I want to say that's always been very difficult for me to say. [pause] "I slit the sheet, the sheet I slit, and on the slitted sheet I sit." There. I've never been relaxed enough around anyone to say that.
Navin R. Johnson: I'm gonna bounce back and when I do I'm gonna buy you a diamond so big it's gonna make you puke.
Marie: I don't wanna puke!
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