Samantha: Donger's here for five hours, and he's got somebody. I live here my whole life, and I'm like a disease. The Geek: Would you guys please hurry up, I'm breaking like 20 major laws right now.
[Long Duk Dong is dancing with Lumberjack, his head is on her ample chest] Lumberjack: What's your last name? Long Duk Dong: Dong. Lumberjack: What's your first name? Long Duk Dong: Long. Lumberjack: What's your middle name? Long Duk Dong: Duk. The Geek: Where am I? Caroline: I'll tell you where you are if you tell me who you are. The Geek: I'm Farmer Ted. Caroline: You're in the parking lot across from my church. The Geek: You own a church? Mike Baker: She's got her period. Should be an interesting honeymoon, eh? Jim Baker: Where do you kids learn all this stuff? Mike Baker: School. Jim Baker: Good, I'm getting my money's worth. Ginny: I love Rudy, and he is totally enamored of me. I mean, other men have loved me, but not for six whole months in a row. Randy: Would you stop feeling sorry for yourself? It's bad for your complexion! Brenda Baker: Can you remember to turn off the stove in twenty minutes? Samantha: I can remember lots of things. Grandma Helen: Oh Sam, let me take a look at you. Fred, she's gotten her boobies! Grandpa Fred: I better get my magnifying glass! Ha Ha Ha. Grandma Helen: Oh, and they are so PERKY!
[reaches to cup them] Grandma Helen: [cut to:] Samantha: I can't believe my grandmother actually felt me up!
[Caroline is very drunk.] Caroline: Who's he? Jake: That's me. Caroline: Who are you? Jake: I'm him. Caroline: Oh, ok. The Geek: This information cannot leave this room. Ok? It would devastate my reputation as a dude. Samantha: No problem. The Geek: I've never bagged a babe. I'm not a stud. The Geek: Do you know how many times a week I go without lunch because some bitch borrows my lunch money? Y'know, any halfway decent girl can rob me blind, because I'm too torqued up to say no. Samantha: It's really human of you to listen to all my bullshit. The Geek: You know, I'm getting input here that I'm reading as relatively hostile. Samantha: Go to hell. The Geek: VERY hostile! Samantha: I loathe the bus. There has to be a more dignified mode of transportation. The Geek: How's it going? Samantha: How's what going? The Geek: You know - things, life, whatnot. Samantha: Life is not whatnot, and it's none of your business. The Geek: By night's end, I predict me and her will interface. The Geek: So, what's your story? I mean, you got a guy, or... ? Samantha: Yes, three big ones, and they lust wimp blood so quit bugging me or I'll sic them all over your weenie ass! Samantha: When you don't have anything, you don't have anything to lose. Right? Randy: That's a cheerful thought. Samantha: This is Farmer Fred. The Geek: Ted. Samantha: Oh, I'm sorry, Farmer Ted. The Geek: I'm not really a farmer. I'm a freshman. Jim Baker: That's why they call them crushes. If they were easy, they'd call them something else. Jim Baker: Why do you think you're a dork? I don't think you're a dork. I don't think Mom thinks you're a dork. Samantha: Mike thinks I'm a dork. Jim Baker: Mike is a dork. Samantha: I can't believe I gave my panties to a geek! Jake: I can get a piece of ass any time I want. Shit, I got Caroline in the bedroom right now, passed out cold. I could violate her ten different ways if I wanted to. The Geek: What are you waiting for? The Geek: I mean, not many girls in contemporary American society today would give their underwear to help a geek like me. Long Duk Dong: No more yankie my wankie. The Donger need food. The Geek: Can I borrow your underpants for 10 minutes? The Geek: Nice manners, babe. Randy: Geek, can I be honest with you? The Geek: Not if you're gonna insult me. Randy: [laughs] Ok. The Geek: Shoot. Randy: Get the hell outta here! The Geek: Just answer me one question. Samantha: Yes, you're a total faggot. The Geek: Ha ha ha. That's not the question. Samantha: Thanks for getting my undies back. Jake: Thanks for coming over. Samantha: Thanks for coming to get me. Jake: Happy Birthday, Samantha. Make a wish. Samantha: It already came true. The Geek: Relax, would you? We have seventy dollars and a pair of girls underpants. We're safe as kittens.
[on the phone to the police] Howard: What was he wearing? Well, uh, let's see, he was wearing a red argyle sweater, and tan trousers, and red shoes... No, he's not retarded. Grandpa Fred: Hey Howard, there's your Chinaman. Howard: Thanks Fred. Jim Baker: [to Samantha] I don't think I can sleep tonight if I don't think our little talk did some good. So... be a sport and lie to me, okay? Grandpa Baker: Dong! Where is my automobile? Long Duk Dong: Auto-mo-biiile? Samantha: I can't believe this they fucking forgot my birthday. Ginny: Darling is something bothering you?
[pause] Ginny: ... you're acting like..and asshole. And I think I know what it is.I think you're jealous that I'm getting married and that I'm getting all the attention. Samantha: You know everyone in this family has gone total outer limits! Ginny: No Sam, I think you're just acting selfish and immature. Samantha: Oh yes that's it! That's exactly it! Ginny: [to herself] I can't believe it! You make someone a bridesmaid and they shit all over you! Long Duk Dong: Yoohoo! Sexy American Girlfriend! Long Duk Dong: What'sa happenin' hott-stuff? Long Duk Dong: Very clever dinner. Appetizing food fit neatly into interesting round pie. Mike Baker: It's a quiche. Long Duk Dong: How do you spell? Grandpa Fred: Well you don't spell it, son, you eat it! Mike Baker: What the hell are you bitchin' about? I gotta sleep under some Chinaman named after a duck's dork. Long Duk Dong: Oh sexy girlfriend!
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