Quotes from
Tommy Boy (1995)
Gas Station Employee: I'm picking up your sarcasm.Richard Hayden: Well, I should hope so, because i'm laying it on pretty thick.
Tommy: Let's think about this for a sec, Ted, why do they put a guarantee on a box? Hmm, very interesting.
Ted: I'm listening.
Tommy: Here's how I see it. A guy puts a guarantee on the box 'cause he wants you to fell all warm and toasty inside.
Ted: Yeah, makes a man feel good.
Tommy: 'Course it does. Ya think if you leave that box under your pillow at night, the Guarantee Fairy might come by and leave a quarter.
Ted: What's your point?
Tommy: The point is, how do you know the Guarantee Fairy isn't a crazy glue sniffer? "Building model airplanes" says the little fairy, but we're not buying it. Next thing you know, there's money missing off the dresser and your daughter's knocked up, I seen it a hundred times.
Ted: But why do they put a guarantee on the box then?
Tommy: Because they know all they solda ya was a guaranteed piece of shit. That's all it is. Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will. I got spare time. But for right now, for your sake, for your daughter's sake, ya might wanna think about buying a quality item from me.
Ted: Hmm. Okay, I'll buy from you.
Tommy: Well I... What?
[trying to convice a buyer to switch to his brake pads]
Tommy: Umm, let's say your driving along the road with your family and your driving along, lay le lay, woo whoo, Then all of a sudden there a truck tire in the middle of the road. And you hit the brakes EERRRRRGGGHH! Whoa. That was close. Hah ha! Now, lets see what happens when your driving with the "other guys brake pads". Your driving along, your driving along and all of sudden the kids are yelling from the back seat, "I gotta go the bathroom daddy." Not now damnit! Truck tire. Errrragggghhh! I can't stop!
[smashes a model car on desk]
There's a cliff. Ahhhhh! And your familys screaming, "Ohh my god we're burning alive! No, I can't feel my legs!" Here comes the meat wagon. WE-OH! WE-OH! WE-OH! And the medic get's out and says, "Ohh my god." New guy is in the corner puking his guts out. All because you wanna save a couple extra pennies.
Tommy: I left a message.
Richard Hayden: Really, what number did you call?
Tommy: Two, four, niner, five, six, seven...
Richard Hayden: I can't hear you, you're trailing off and did I catch a niner in there? Were you calling from a walkie-talkie?
Tommy: It was a cordless.
Richard Hayden: You know what? Don't. Not here, not now.
[Moments earlier they hit a deer, it's now riding in the back seat of Richard's car]
Tommy: Where are we gonna take the deer?
Richard Hayden: I dunno, the vet?
Tommy: You take dead animals to the vet?
Richard Hayden: Why not? I'd take you to the vet.
Tommy: Yeah I'll take you to the... Um...
Richard Hayden: Got that?
Tommy: Shut up.
Richard Hayden: I can practically hear you getting fatter.
Michelle: Listen you little spazoids. I know where you live and I've seen where you sleep. I swear that your mothers will cry when they see what I've done to you.
Richard Hayden: Your dad could sell a ketchup Popsicle to a woman in white gloves.
Tommy: Did you hear I graduated?
Richard Hayden: Yeah and just a shade under a decade. All right.
Tommy: You know a lot of people go to college for seven years.
Richard Hayden: I know, they're called doctors.
[Richard's car is destroyed by a deer]
Richard Hayden: No way that just happened.
Tommy: I've seen some crazy stuff in my time, but that... was... AWESOME. Oh, sorry about your car, man.
Tommy: I passed. Oh man,
[shouting]
Tommy: I got a D. I'm gonna graduate.
[hugging a stranger]
Tommy: I passed. I wish we'd known each other... this is a little awkward.
Tommy: I can't believe he called me a psycho.
Richard Hayden: Hey were you in there just now-you are a psycho... and comb your hair.
Tommy: Hey, I'll tell you what. You can take a good look at a butcher's ass by sticking your head up there. But, wouldn't you rather to take his word for it?
Mr. Brady: [confused] What? I'm failing to make the connection here son.
Tommy: No, I mean, you can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking your head up a butcher's ass, but then..no. It's gotta be your bull.
Richard: [embarrased] Wow.
Tommy: Here's the deal. If I want you..
Richard: You have derailed.
Tommy: Shut up Richard.
Mr. Brady: Boy, I've really got a loss for words here.
Tommy: Forget it, I quit, I can't do this anymore, man. My head's about to explode. My whole life sucks. I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know where I'm going. My dad just died. We just killed Bambi. I'm out here getting my ass kicked and every time I drive down the road I wanna jerk the wheel INTO A GODDAMNED BRIDGE EMBUNKMENT.
[Saying it correctly]
Tommy: You can take a good look at a T-bone by sticking your head up a bull's ass, but wouldn't you rather take the butcher's word for it?
[Tommy carelessly set an open bag of M&M's on the dashboard and they immediately poor into an open slot]
Richard Hayden: Oh that sounds good: melted chocolate inside the dash, that really ups the resale value.
Tommy: I think you'll be okay here, they have a thin candy shell. 'Surprised you didn't know that.
Richard Hayden: I think your brain has a thick candy shell.
Tommy: Your... Your brain has the shell on it.
Richard Hayden: Are you talking?
Tommy: Shut up, Richard.
[Richard knocks on the door impersonating the maid while Tommy tries to sleep]
Richard Hayden: Housekeeping?
Tommy: No thank you. Sleeping.
Richard Hayden: Housekeeping?
Tommy: Come back in an hour.
Richard Hayden: Housekeeping, you want towel?
Tommy: No towels. Need sleepy.
Richard Hayden: Housekeeping, you want me for pillow?
Tommy: Please go away let me sleep FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!
Richard Hayden: Housekeeping, you want me jerk you off?
Tommy: What kind of hotel is this?
[Opens door]
Tommy: Who the hell are... Oh it's you.
Richard Hayden: Good morning, Sunshine.
Tommy: If I wanted a kiss I'd call your mother.
Tommy: Does this suit make me look fat?
Richard Hayden: No, your face does.
[little kids making fun of Tommy on his boat]
Little Kid: Hey Gilligan, did you eat the Skipper?
Tommy: You better pray to the god of skinny punks that this wind doesn't pick up, cuz i'll come over there and jam an oar up your ass!
Michelle: I saw your step mom and your step brother and they were kissing.
Tommy: So?
Michelle: With his tongue.
Tommy: UGH.
Richard: He's doing his mommy?
Tommy: Look at 'em there, pretty maids all in a row. I want the one on the left; she's perfect. Which one d'you want? Huh, huh, huh?... Alright.
Paul: Does it make a difference?
Tommy: Oh yeah. Wait a second. Is this your first time?
Paul: Yeah Tommy, it is.
Tommy: God, you're gonna remember this the rest of your life. Can't believe you've never been cow tipping before. Get ready to live. Huh, huh, huh, ssshhhh. She's sleepin'. What you do is, you put your shoulder into her and you push.
Paul: And?
Tommy: They fall over, hee, hee, hee.
Paul: And this doesn't strike you as kinda' dumb?
Tommy: We're family, we're gonna be doing lots of dumb stuff together. Wait 'til Christmas.
Ray Zalinsky: Ted, send over a bottle of bubbly in a bucket of ice and a card. Have the card read, "Tough luck, get drunk on me. Use the bucket to ice down your marbles, Yours, Z."
Richard Hayden: Okay, it's sale time, so remember, we don't take no...?
Tommy: No shit from anyone.
Richard Hayden: No.
Tommy: Um, we don't take no prisoners.
Richard Hayden: We don't take no for answer.
Tommy: Right.
[after Tommy has rubbed air freshener on himself]
Ray Zalinsky: Goin' a little heavy on the pine tree perfume there kid?
Tommy: No, it's an auto air freshener.
Ray Zalinsky: Good, you've pinpointed it, now the next step is washin' it out.
Richard Hayden: And, the life vests, these you might need. But what are the chances of us hitting a lake. If my money says anything, it's gonna be a mountain.
Richard Hayden: Ok, here is Tommy, he's gonna help me with my little spiel here. Tommy is a Scorpio, he likes biking and he's never been laid.
Richard Hayden: It's called reading-top to bottom-left to right-group words together into sentences-take tylenol for any headaches-midol for any cramps.
Tommy: That's it! Get outta the car! It's go time, you and me!
Richard Hayden: Look mommy, the Rhino's getting to close to the car.
Tommy: [talking like a toddler] Him too fwaid to get out, he's just a wittle guy.
Richard Hayden: That's it big boy. I'm gonna wail on you.
Tommy: Hey, boys and girls, it's poppa smurf.
Tommy: Richard, were you watching Spank-travision?
Richard Hayden: Okay let's get some shut eye.
Tommy: Maybe you were watching a movie with that funny comedian, oh what's his name? Buddy Whackett?
Tommy: [They pull up by a tree] Lord I never had to tinkle so bad in all my life.
[Richard begins driving away]
Tommy: What the? Oh Richard you're a riot. Stop the car. Son of a. What the hell's gotten into you? My thing got stuck in my zipper and I got piss all over my pants.
[as Richard is adjusting Tommy's tie, it comes off]
Tommy: Huh, huh, it's a clip-on
Richard Hayden: Are you sure?
Tommy: Hey, What's your name?
Helen: Helen.
Tommy: That's nice, you look like a Helen. Helen, we're both in sales. Let me tell you why I suck as a sales man. Let's say I go into some guys office and let's say hes even remotely interested in buying something. Well then I get all excited I'm like Jojo the idiot circus boy with a pretty new pet. The pet is my possible sale. Oh , my pretty little pet, I love you. So I stoke it, and I pet it, and I massage it, hehe I love it, I love my little naughty pet, your naughty. Then I take my naughty pet and I go
[makes ripping noises as he tears apart the roll]
Tommy: Uuuuuuh. I killed it. I killed my sale. That's when I blow it. That's when people like us gotta forge ahead, Helen, am I right?
Helen: God, you're sick.
Stewardess: I can get you on a flight coming BACK from Chicago. Does that help?
Richard Hayden: Hi, I'm Earth. Have we met?
[Stewardess looks confused]
Stewardess: I don't think so.
[Richard sees a trash bag with tape wrapped around it coming out of the plane]
Richard Hayden: Oh, that has to be yours. Spray that thing for bugs?
Tommy: What'd you do?!
[Richard and Tommy almost got in a car accident]
Richard Hayden: Hey... I was just thinking... when we stopped for gas this morning I think it was you who put the oil in.
Tommy: Hey if you're going to say I didn't put the right kind in, you're wrong. I used 10-W-30. And besides, motor oil would have nothing to do with this accident.
Richard Hayden: True. But you can't latch the hood too well, if you don't take the can out, you no-selling waste of space. I swear to God, you're worthless.
[Tommy sees a pretty woman. Richard is watching from his window]
Richard Hayden: Scram Tommy. Don't give her the weight room thing.
[Tommy approaches her acting muscular and buff]
Tommy: Do you know where the weight room is? I'll check it out.
Paul: You'd eat a lot of paint chips when you were a kid?
Tommy: Ha ha ha, why?
Tommy: [Tommy running into a glass wall] Ow, That's gonna leave a mark.
Richard Hayden: Awww, I've interrupted 'happy time'.
Tommy: Brother?
Paul: I'm Paul. You must be Tommy.
Tommy: Brothers don't shake hands. Brothers gotta hug.
Tommy: Richard, who's your favorite little rascal? Alfalfa or is it Spanky.
[Richard needs Big Tom to sign some documents]
Richard Hayden: I need your John Hancock.
[Tommy Boy scoffs]
Tommy: It's HERBIE Hancock.
Richard Hayden: What did I say about eating in the car anyways?
Tommy: It's not good cause it spoils your dinner?
Richard Hayden: What is the carrying charge for our warehouse?
Tommy: Geez, I knew this one. Uhhhhhhh.
Richard Hayden: One and a...
Tommy: ...half percent. I knew that. Why can't I remember it?
Richard Hayden: Try an association such as; Let's say the average person uses ten percent of his brain. How much do you use? One and a half percent. The rest is filled with malted hops and bong resin.
[Tommy Boy just gets his new office and starts talking into a fan]
Tommy: Luke, I am your fa-ther.
Tommy: Richard, I'm gonna need your watch. I've got... a... plan.
Richard Hayden: Yikes.
Richard Hayden: Okay... seatbelts. Just put the little thing into the big thing and... I tell ya what. If you don't know how to fasten your seatbelt, just raise your hand and I'll have Tommy Boy here come back there and hit you in the head with a tack hammer because you're a RETARD.
Paul: These shoes are Italian. They're worth more than your life.
Ted's Wife: Look at that fat man on TV with the bomb strapped to his chest.
Ted: Oh yeah, I buy break pads from him. I thought we were watching cartoons.
Tommy: Richard? Is this your coat?
Richard: Don't do it.
Tommy: Fat guy in a little coat. Fat guy in a little coat.
Richard: Don't.
Tommy: [singing] Fat guy in a little coat. Fat guy in a little coat.
Richard: Take it off, Dickhead, I'm serious!
Tommy: Richard! What's happening?
[coat rips]
Tommy: Uh oh!
Tommy: No offense, but if I showed a picture of your mom to some of my buddies at school, she'd definitely be "Boner of the Month".
Paul: I'm honored. Is there anything to do in this town besides eat?
[Tommy has a fake bomb strapped to himself]
Nicole Taylor, Action 8 News: And is this why you have a bomb strapped to yourself?
Tommy: It's not a bomb. It's road flares.
Ray Zalinsky: Road flares? Did you grow up under power-lines?
Tommy: Ha ha ha, why?
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