Otho: Don't mind her. She's just upset that someone dropped a house on her sister. Otho: Ugh. Deliver me from L.L. Bean. Charles: And look at that kitchen. You're finally going to be able to cook a decent meal. [Evaluating her new home.] Delia: A little gasoline... blowtorch... no problem. Adam: Barb, honey... we're dead. I don't think we have very much to worry about anymore. Barbara: We're very unhappy. Juno: What did you expect? You're dead! [Adam and Barbara struggle to understand the HANDBOOK FOR THE RECENTLY DECEASED.] Barbara: Just... can you give me the basics? Adam: Well, this book isn't arranged that way. What do you want to know? Barbara: Well... why did you disappear when you stepped off the porch? Are we halfway to heaven? Are we halfway to hell...? How long is this gonna last? Adam: I don't see anything about heaven OR hell. This book reads like stereo instructions. Listen to this: "Geographical and temporal perimeters. Functional perimeters vary from manifestation to manifestation. [Snaps book shut.] Oh, this is gonna take some time, honey. Adam: We're not completely helpless, Barbara. I've been reading that book and there's a word for people in our situation: ghosts. [On Adam's and Barbara's attempts to haunt their old house.] Juno: I heard. Tore your faces right off. It obviously doesn't do any good to pull your heads off in front of people if they can't see you! [On the new house.] Lydia: Delia hates it. [sees a HUGE spider on a web] I could live here. Betelgeuse: Go ahead... make my millenium. Betelgeuse: I wonder where a guy, an everyday Joe like myself, can find a little ACTION? Betelgeuse: Let's turn on the juice and see what shakes loose. Adam: What are your qualifications? Betelgeuse: Ah. Well... I attended Juilliard... I'm a graduate of the Harvard business school. I travel quite extensively. I lived through the Black Plague and had a pretty good time during that. I've seen the EXORCIST ABOUT A HUNDRED AND SIXTY-SEVEN TIMES, AND IT KEEPS GETTING FUNNIER EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE IT... NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT YOU'RE TALKING TO A DEAD GUY... NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK?!? You think I'm qualified? [Why he can't tell Lydia his name.] Betelgeuse: Because if I tell you, you tell your friends... your friends are callin' me on the horn all the time... and I gotta show up at shopping centers for openings and sign autographs and shit like that and it makes my life a HELL. OK? A living HELL. [In the afterlife waiting room.] Clerk: Number fifty-four million six hundred and one... Ferndoch. Lydia: Maybe YOU can relax in a haunted house, but I can't. Juno: We cannot have a routine haunting like yours provide proof that there is existence beyond death! Delia: Lydia, I have a chance to teach you something here. You have got to take the upper hand in all situations or people, whether they're dead or alive, will walk all over you. [About the house] Otho: There's absolutely no organic flowthrough. Delia: I noticed that too; it's like a giant... ant farm! Betelgeuse: We come for your daughter, Chuck! Delia: I will live with you in this hellhole, but I must express myself. If you don't let me gut out this house and make it my own, I will go insane and I will take you with me! Lydia: They don't want to come down. Otho: Why not? Lydia: I think the reason is that they were trying to scare you away, and you didn't get scared. Delia: Please, they're dead. It's a little late to be neurotic. Lydia: My life is a dark room. One big dark room. Betelgeuse: Nice fucking model! Lydia: I myself am... strange and unusual. Betelgeuse: I'm the ghost with the most, babe. Otho: What happened to the people who lived here? Delia Deitz: Oh, they died. Hey, look, an indoor outhouse! Betelgeuse: It's showtime! Barbara Maitland: I don't get it, I mean where all the other dead people in the world? Adam Maitland: Maybe this is heaven. Barbara Maitland: In heaven there wouldn't be dust everywhere. Main Page ...or Look at some Movie Pics |