Quotes from
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Lili Von Schtupp: A wed wose, how womantic!
[Recalling his gunfighting career.]
Jim: I must have killed more men than Cecil B. DeMille.
Bart: Are we awake?
Jim: We're not sure. Are we black?
Bart: Yes, we are.
Jim: Then we're awake, but very puzzled.
Church Congregation singing: Now is a time of great decision / Are we to stay or up and quit? / There's no avoiding this conclusion: / Our town is turning into shit. Amen.
Mexican Bandolero: Badges? We don't need no stinking badges!
[Jim downs a bottle of whiskey in one long guzzle.]
Bart: A man drink like that, he is going to DIE!
Jim: When?
Bart: Mornin', ma'am! And isn't it a lovely mornin'?
Elderly woman: Up yours nigger!
[singing] Lilly von Schtupp: I'm tired of men always coming and going, going and coming and always too soon! [spoken] Vat am I, a rabbit?
Bart: I better go check out this Mongo character. [Bart reaches for his gun.]
Jim: Oh no, don't do that.
Bart: Why not?
Jim: If you shoot him, you'll just make him mad.
[Bart, disguised as a Klansman, describes his qualifications as a villain.]
Bart: Stampeding cattle.
Hedley Lamarr: That's not much of a crime.
Bart: Through the Vatican?
Hedley Lamarr: [smiling] Kinky! Sign here.
Mongo: Mongo only pawn... in game of life.
Waco Kid: Uh-oh, Bart. I think Mongo here's taken a liking to you.
Mongo: Huh-huh, naw, Mongo straight!
Taggart: I got it! I got it!
Lamarr: You do?
Taggart: We'll work up a "Number 6" on 'em.
Lamarr: "Number 6"? I'm afraid I'm not familiar with that one..
Taggart: Well, that's where we go a-ridin' into town, a whampin' and whompin' every livin' thing that moves within an inch of its life. Except the women folks, of course.
Lamarr: You spare the women?
Taggart: NAW! We rape the shit out of them at the Number 6 Dance later on!
Lamarr: Marvelous!
Jim: You've got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the new West. You know... morons.
Hedley Lamarr: I've killed more men than Cecil B. DeMille.
Hedley Lamarr: Meeting adjourned! Oh, I am sorry sir I didn't mean to overstep my bounds, you say that.
Governor Lepetomane: What?
Hedley Lamarr: Meeting is adjourned.
Governor Lepetomane: It is?
Hedley Lamarr: No, you say that governor!
Governor Lepetomane: What?
Hedley Lamarr: Meeting is adjourned!
Governor Lepetomane: It is?
Hedley Lamarr: Here sir, play with this! [Hands the governor a rubber ball and paddle set.]
Lilly von Schtupp: Hello, cowboy. Wha's your name?
Cowboy: Tex, Ma'am!
Lilly von Schtupp: Texmam? Well, tell me Texmam, are you in show business?
Cowboy: Well, no, ma'am.
Lilly von Schtupp: Then why don't you get your fwiggin' feet off o' the stage!
Lyle: The way you was lollygagging with them picks and shovels, you would think it was a hundred and twenty degrees out here. Can't be more 'n a hundred and fourteen!
Gabby Johnson: I wash born here, an I wash raished here, and dad gum it, I am gonna die here, an no sidewindin bushwackin, hornswaglin, cracker croaker is gonna rouin me bishen cutter.
Hedley Lamarr: Daddy loves froggy. Froggy love daddy?
[The railway crew discover quicksand up ahead, and one of them offers to ride up ahead to check it out]
Taggart: Horses? We can't afford to lose no horses. Send over a couple o' niggers.
[Taggart spots two workers on a hand-cart sinking into quicksand]
Taggart: Oh shit! Quick!
[Lassos the hand-cart and drags it (but not the men) out of the quicksand]
Taggart: Dang that was lucky! Doggone near lost a four hundred dollar handcart!
Taggart: Don't just stand there! Take that shovel and put it to some good use!
[Bart grabs a shovel and advances on Taggart from behind]
Charlie: Don't do it, buddy!
Taggart to his sidekick: Now take a telegram to Mr. Lamarr, and tell him I said [gets hit on the head by the shovel] ow!
Sidekick: ...tell him I said "ow!". Got it!
[The Governor is having trouble putting his pen back into its holder]
Hedley Lamarr: Think of your secretary...
[The pen goes straight in]
Governor Lepetomane: Thank you! That's a good one!
Hedley Lamarr: Give the Governor "harrumph"!
Startled Aide: Harrumph!
Governor Lepetomane: You watch your ass!
Taggart: God damn it, Mr. Lamarr sir, you use your tongue purdier than a twenny dollar whore!
[Bart returns unexpectedly after being sentenced to death.]
Charlie: They said you was hung!
Bart: And they was right!
[Gabby Johnson (on the roof of the church) spots the new sheriff riding into town]
Gabby Johnson shouting: The sherrif's a nigg..!
[The last word is lost in the peal of a church bell]
Harriet Johnson: What did he say?
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