Quotes from
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Chip Douglas: I'm the bastard son of Claire Huxtable!
Chip Douglas: You might recognize this song as performed by Jefferson Airplane, in a little rockumentary called "Gimme Shelter," about the Rolling Stones and their nightmare at Altamont. That night the Oakland chapter of the Hell's Angels had their way. Tonight, it's my turn.
Rick: Look, Chip Douglas, I don't know what your story is, but I'm going to find out!
Chip Douglas: Well, don't dig to deep or you might get burnt by the molten lava!
Steven: You're right. That's incredibly insightful.
Chip Douglas: I know. It was Jerry Springer's final thought on Friday's show.
Chip Douglas: Oohhh Billy!
Chip Douglas: This concludes our broadcast day. Click.
Steven: My friend told me this story about this guy who gave his cable guy fifty bucks and he got all the movie channels for free, you ever here about anything like that?
Chip Douglas: You talking about free cable, what was his name I want it! You Have offered me a bribe what you have done is a felony for which you could be issued a fine or time in a state correctional facility!
Steven: No just forget I brought it up.
Chip Douglas: I'm just messin' with ya, I'm just jerkin' your chain! I'll juice ya up!
Chip Douglas: Wow, the old McNair place. Never thought they'd get the floors clean after what happened.
Steven Kovacs: Why? What happened?
Chip Douglas: They had a lot of cats.
Chip Douglas: Come on Stevie, time to leavey, It's the fun bus man!
Chip Douglas: No if's, and's, or butts. Well maybe a few butts...big ones!
[Chip ordering a drink]
Chip Douglas: Dus this have thow have a mug of ale for me and my mate? He has been pitched in battle for a fort night. And has a kings thirst for the frosty brew thuse thow have for thuse.
[About to fight Steve]
Chip Douglas: I can not listen to any of your instructions. For we are sworn enemies. And you are about to meet your demise.
Chip Douglas: Hey Steve I'm on a pay phone, so if you're there pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, well OK, call me back.
Chip Douglas: Free cable is the ultimate aphrodisiac.
Chip Douglas: Dry land is not a myth. I've seen it. Kevin Costner. Waterworld. I don't know what the big fuss is about. I saw that movie nine times. It rules!
Wench: There are no utensils in medieval times, thus, there are no utensils AT Medeival Times. Would you like a refill on that Pepsi?
Chip Douglas: I'll juice ya up.
Chip Douglas: Come back here, so that I may brain thee!
Chip Douglas: He who hesitates, masturbates.
Chip Douglas: Wake up lil snoozy! Smell the smelling salts!
Chip Douglas: I got you the big screen TV, deluxe karaoke machine, and THX quality sound that would make George Lucas cream in his pants!
Chip Douglas: Here is a comment card. Please mail it in when I am done.
Steven Kovacs: Does this go to your boss?
Chip Douglas: No it goes to me, I'm sort of a perfectionis... perfectionis...t.
Chip Douglas: Call it one guy doing another guy a solid.
Steven Kovacs: That is so nice!
Chip Douglas: Well you're a nice guy! You'd be surprised how many customers treat me like snot, like I'm a goddamn plumber or somethin'.
Chip Douglas: I just wanna hang out. No big DEAL!
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