Quotes from
Major League (1989)
[the Indians are on a plane during a thunderstorm]Willie Mays Hayes: Vaughn, get the stewardess. I need one of those bags.
Rick Vaughn: There aren't any stewardesses.
Willie Mays Hayes: I wonder if they are any pilots.
[to Ricky, while he's listening to "Wild Thing" on the jukebox]
Lady: Wild thing, you make my heart sing.
[after Rick has walked a bunch of batters]
Indians Fan: Wild Thing. You make my heart sing. You walk everything.
Heywood: How's your wife and my kids?
Harry Doyle: In case you haven't noticed, and judging by the attendance you haven't, the Indians have managed to win a few ball games, and are threatening to climb out of the cellar.
Jake Taylor: I play for the Indians.
Chaire Holloway: Here in Cleveland? I didn't know they still had a team.
Jake Taylor: Yup, we've got uniforms and everything; it is great!
Rick Vaughn: What's that shit on your chest?
Harris: [wiping his finger across his chest] Crisco,
[wiping it across his waist line]
Harris: Bardol,
[wiping it along his head]
Harris: Vagisil. Any one of them will give you another two to three inches drop on your curve ball. Of course if the umps are watching me real close I'll rub a little jalape"o up my nose, get it runnin', and if I need to load the ball up just
[wipes his nose]
Harris: wipe my nose.
Rick Vaughn: You put snot on the ball?
Harris: I haven't got an arm like you, kid. I have to put anything on it I can find. Someday you will too.
[sliding into home plate in a tux]
Willie Mays Hayes: The American Express Card. Don't steal home without it.
Jake Taylor: That's my wife...
Willie Mays Hayes: Does she know that?
Jake Taylor: Well, she would've been if I hadn't screwed it up... who's that guy she's with?
Willie Mays Hayes: I don't know. He's not wearing a nametag.
Rick Vaughn: Want me to drag him outta here, kick the shit out of him?
Charlie Donovan: Vaughn's been looking good out there today.
Rachel Phelps: Don't worry, he'll blow it.
Jake Taylor: [to Rexman] Hell of a situation we got here. Two on, two out, your team down a run and you've got the chance to be the hero on national television... if you don't blow it. Saw your wife last night. Great little dancer. That guy she was with? I'm sure he's a close personal friend, but tell me, what was he doing with her panties on his head?
[Rexman pops the ball straight up]
Jake Taylor: Uh-oh, Rexie, I don't think this one's got the distance.
Board Member 1: I've never heard of half of these guys and the ones I do know are way past their prime.
Charlie Donovan: Most of these guys never had a prime.
Board Member 2: This guy here is dead.
Rachel Phelps: Cross him off then.
Harry Doyle: That's all we got, one goddamn hit?
Assistant: You can't say goddamn on the air.
Harry Doyle: Don't worry, nobody is listening anyway.
Harry Doyle: Remember, fans, Tuesday is Die Hard Night. Free admission for anyone who was actually alive the last time the Indians won the pennant.
Harry Doyle: The post-game show is brought to you by...
[searches through his papers]
Harry Doyle: Christ, I can't find it. To hell with it.
[the Indians General Manager calls minor league coach Lou Brown at Tire World to offer him a position with the Indians]
Charlie Donovan: How would you like to manage the Indians this year?
Lou Brown: Gee, I don't know...
Charlie Donovan: What do you mean, you don't know? This is your chance to manage in the big leagues.
Lou Brown: Let me get back to you, will ya, Charlie? I got a guy on the other line asking about some white walls.
[Rookie pitcher Ricky "Wild Thing" Vaughn is about to throw the final pitch for the Indians in the playoff game]
Lou Brown: Forget about the curve ball Ricky, give him the heater.
Harry Doyle: Heywood leads the league in most offensive categories, including nose hair. When this guy sneezes, he looks like a party favor.
Jake Taylor: I'm hung over, my knees are killin' me and if you're going to pull this shit at least you could've said you were from the Yankees.
Pedro Cerrano: Bats, they are sick. I cannot hit curveball. Straightball I hit it very much. Curveball, bats are afraid. I ask Jobu to come, take fear from bats. I offer him cigar, rum. He will come.
Eddie Harris: You know you might think about taking Jesus Christ as your savior instead of fooling around with all this stuff.
Jake Taylor: Harris.
Pedro Cerrano: Jesus, I like him very much, but he no help with curveball.
Eddie Harris: You trying to say Jesus Christ can't hit a curveball?
Tom: Stay away from her.
Jake Taylor: Suck my dick.
Jake Taylor: Second base... shit.
Eddie Harris: Yo, bartender, Jobu needs a refill.
Harry Doyle: This guy threw at his own son in a father son game.
Jake Taylor: [at the library, discussing Jake's one-night stand with a flight attendant] I had no choice. She bet me fifty dollars that she had a better body than you and I had to defend your honor.
Lynn Wells: Oh, what a bunch of bullshit! I have a much better body than she does!
[everyone in the library turns to look]
Jake Taylor: She's right.
Willie Mays Hayes: Don't you guys go anywhere. I plan to put on a hitting display.
Pedro Cerrano: Hats for bats, keep bats warm.
Roger Dorn: [shouting] Don't fuck with me, Vaughn.
Rick Vaughn: Yeah?
[shouting]
Rick Vaughn: Fuck you.
Roger Dorn: What's the matter, rookie Fuck-Wad? Can't you take a little joke?
Rick Vaughn: Real fucking funny, asshole.
Lou Brown: All right,
[shouting]
Lou Brown: All right. Knock that shit off.
Roger Dorn: Lou, you better make it real clear to this little lady that I'm not about to take his shit.
Lou Brown: Shut up, Dorn.
[Willie Mays Hayes has just made a 'basket catch' to end the inning]
Lou Brown: Nice catch, Hayes. Don't ever fuckin' do it again.
[Introducing himself]
Willie Mays Hayes: Willie Mays Hayes. I hit like Mays, and I run like Hayes.
[to Hayes]
Lou Brown: You may run like Hayes. but you hit like shit.
Roger Dorn: Let's cut through the crap, Vaughn. I only got one thing to say to you: "Strike this mother fucker out."
Jake Taylor: What i was concerned with was why you didn't come up with that grounder that Rockert hit in the 9th
Roger Dorn: It was out of my reach, what do you want me to do dive for it?
Jake Taylor: Rog, it could have meant the game!
Roger Dorn: oh come on cut the rah rah shit Taylor! Year after this I go free agent. Plus me and my agent got a couple of plans for life after baseball. So I am not about to risk major injury or displace this property for a collection of stiffs!
Jake Taylor: Ya know Dorn, I liked you so much better when you were just a ballplayer. If you wanna be an interior decorator now that's none of my business. But some of us still need this team. Now you listen to me! This is my last shot at a winner and for some of the younger guys it could be their only shot. I don't know what happened to you. But if you ever, ever tank another play like you did today, i'm gonna cut your nuts off and stuff em down your fuckin throat!
[Roger Dorn puts little effort into catching a line drive]
Lou Brown: Come on Dorn, get in front of the damn ball! Don't give me this "ole" bullshit!
[Rick thinks he's been cut from the team]
Rick Vaughn: I got news for you Mr. Brown, you haven't heard the last of me. You may think I'm shit now, but someday you're gonna be sorry you cut me. I'm gonna catch on somewhere else and every time that I pitch against you I'm gonna stick it up you're fuckin' ass!
[Throws baseball against locker]
Lou Brown: Good, I like that kind of spirit in a player. The only problem is I didn't cut you.
Rick Vaughn: What?
Lou Brown: I think someone's been having some fun with you.
Lou Brown: I thought you said we didn't have any high priced talent.
Charlie Donovan: Forget about Dorn, he's just high priced.
Pepper Leach: [Vaughn pulls up on a motorcycle] Look at this fuckin'guy.
Lou Brown: My kinda team, Charlie, my kinda team.
Roger Dorn: Lou, Lou; a minute of your time.
[hands Lou his contract]
Roger Dorn: See, it says right there; no calisthentics. What do you think of that?
[Lou drops the contract on the ground and urinates on it, then walks off]
Pepper Leach: [Vaughn has just given up a grand slam after walking three straight batter] You want me to go get him?
Lou Brown: Nah, leave him out there. I want to see how he handles this.
Lou Brown: [Vaughn hits the next batter causing a benches clearing brawl] I think you can go get him now.
Janice Bowden: I hear baseball players make awefully good salaries now a days.
Jake Taylor: Well it all depends on how good you are.
Janice Bowden: How good are you?
Jake Taylor: I make the league minimum.
Willie Mays Hayes: [looks over Jake's shoulder and see's him reading] Moby Dick? What you reading that for?
Jake Taylor: This happens to be a masterpiece of American Literature.
Willie Mays Hayes: [chuckles] Lynn turn you on to that?
Jake Taylor: Yeah... a long time ago.
Willie Mays Hayes: Well listen, if we ever get out of here, me and the other guys are going to a club later on tonight. You want to come with us?
Jake Taylor: [frustrated] Oh, I can't, I got some reading to do.
Willie Mays Hayes: [rolls his eyes] What man, you got a test or something? Jake, man why don't you just go over there and see her. Maybe she'll let you slide on a couple of these.
Jake Taylor: Well I would if I knew where she lived.
Willie Mays Hayes: That's easy! Just tail her home from the library.
Jake Taylor: You mean sit in my car and wait for her to get out of work and then follow her? That's kind of juvenille don't you think?
Willie Mays Hayes: [ponders it for a split second] Yeah!
Willie Mays Hayes: What the hell league you been playing in?
Rick Vaughn: California Penal...
Willie Mays Hayes: Never heard of it. How'd you end up playing there?
Rick Vaughn: Stole a car.
Harry Doyle: [before the playoff game] Monty, anything to add?
Colorman: Ummm... no.
Harry Doyle: He's not the best colorman in the league for nothing, folks!
Heywood: [Hayes has just reached on an infield single] You really knocked the crap out of that one.
Willie Mays Hayes: Oh, I plan to get at least a double out of this.
[shows Heywood his black gloves]
Willie Mays Hayes: I bought a hundred of these. One for every base I'm gonna steal. Excuse me while I take my first step toward the Hall of Fame.
Heywood: My ass.
Harry Doyle: [Hayes takes his lead off first base] We don't know where Hayes played last year, but I'm sure he did a hell of a job.
Heywood: Real hard to steal second with your shoe untied.
Harry Doyle: [Hayes looks down, then gets thrown out by the pitcher] Throw to first... Hayes is picked off! Personally, I think we got hosed on that call.
Willie Mays Hayes: [to Jake] Cerrano's looking for some extra power for tonight. He's looking to sacrifice a live chicken. Man, we can't have people puking in the locker room before the game!
Rachel Phelps: [Charlie and Rachel are having a meeting about the team] Any ideas?
Charlie Donovan: On how we can get worse?
Rachel Phelps: Mmmmm...
Charlie Donovan: How about a series of fines for good play? Maybe a $30,000 bonus to the guy voted Least Valuable Player.
Rachel Phelps: Maybe the problem is... we're coddling these guys too much. Yeah!
Heywood: Going somewhere, meat?
Willie Mays Hayes: About 90 feet.
Lou Brown: [at a team meeting] It seems that Mrs. Phelps doesn't think too highly of our worth. She put this team together because she thought we'd be bad enough to finish dead last, knocking attendance down to the point where she could move the team to Miami... and get rid of all of us for better personnel.
Roger Dorn: Even me?
Lou Brown: Even you, Dorn.
Harris: What if we don't finish last?
Lou Brown: She'll replace you with someone who will. After this season, you'll be sent back to the minors or given your outright release.
Jake Taylor: [Jake stands up] Well then I guess there's only one thing left to do.
Roger Dorn: What's that?
Jake Taylor: Win the whole FUCKING thing.
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