Quotes from
There's Something About Mary (1998)
[Spying on Mary.]Pat Healy: Husband... negative. Children and a Labrador... negative. Tight little package... affirmative.
[After Mary addresses Ted by name.]
Ted Stroehmann: I couldn't believe that she knew my name. Some of my best friends didn't know my name.
[After Mary asks Ted to the prom.]
Ted: [narrating] From that point on, the guys looked at me in a completely different light.
Ted's friend: You're a fucking liar!
Dom: Have you ever had a whitehead on your eyeball, Mary?
Mary's Step-Father: Boy, don't make me open up a can of whoop-ass!
Ted: What about Brett Fav... ruh?
[Pretending to like retarded kids.]
Pat Healy: Those goofy bastards are about the best thing I've got going.
Ted: Do you think maybe you wanna maybe, I don't know, go out to dinner, you know, catch up on old times?
Mary: Didn't we just do that?
Ted: Oh, uh...
Mary: I'm fucking with you, Ted!
Dom: Here you've been in therapy, you know, thinking you blew it with the greatest girl ever, and really it turns out that getting your dick stuck in your zipper was the best thing that ever happened to you.
[Pointing to large dog in back seat.]
Pat Healy: Does he bite?
Sully: A little bit. Get in.
Pat Healy: What, you think yer shit don't stink?
Ted Stroehmann: No, I don't think, I mean, yes it does, no I don't...
Mary Jensen Matthews: You've been to Nepal?
Pat Healy: Not in months, I don't know why I bought the damn place.
[Tossing drug-laced doggie treats into Mary's apartment]
Pat: Wait... how many is this?
Norm: Umm... four.
Pat: Four? That seems like an aweful lot of speed to give one little pooch. Are you sure it won't kill him?
Norm: I never said that.
Pat: ...eh.
[tosses another through the window anyway]
Magda: The last time I had a pap smear, the guy needed leather gloves and an oyster shucker.
Mary Jensen Matthews: Who needs him? I've got a vibrator!
Hitchhiker: You heard of this thing, the 8-Minute Abs?
Ted Stroehmann: Yeah, sure, 8-Minute Abs. Yeah, the excercise video.
Hitchhiker: Yeah, this is going to blow that right out of the water. Listen to this: 7... Minute... Abs.
Ted Stroehmann: Right. Yes. OK, alright. I see where you're going.
Hitchhiker: Think about it. You walk into a video store, you see 8-Minute Abs sittin' there, there's 7-Minute Abs right beside it. Which one are you gonna pick, man?
Ted Stroehmann: I would go for the 7.
Hitchhiker: Bingo, man, bingo. 7-Minute Abs. And we guarantee just as good a workout as the 8-minute folk.
Ted Stroehmann: You guarantee it? That's -- how do you do that?
Hitchhiker: If you're not happy with the first 7 minutes, we're gonna send you the extra minute free. You see? That's it. That's our motto. That's where we're comin' from. That's from "A" to "B".
Ted Stroehmann: That's right. That's -- that's good. That's good. Unless, of course, somebody comes up with 6-Minute Abs. Then you're in trouble, huh?
[Hitchhiker convulses]
Hitchhiker: No! No, no, not 6! I said 7. Nobody's comin' up with 6. Who works out in 6 minutes? You won't even get your heart goin, not even a mouse on a wheel.
Ted Stroehmann: That -- good point.
Hitchhiker: 7's the key number here. Think about it. 7-Elevens. 7 doors. 7, man, that's the number. 7 chipmunks twirlin' on a branch, eatin' lots of sunflowers on my uncle's ranch. You know that old children's tale from the sea. It's like you're dreamin' about Gorgonzola cheese when it's clearly Brie time, baby. Step into my office.
Ted Stroehmann: Why?
Hitchhiker: 'Cause you're fuckin' fired!
Ted: I think I still want to look her up.
Pat Healy: Who, rollerpig? Are you nuts?
Ted: You said she was a real sparkplug.
Pat Healy: No, I said buttplug. She's heinous.
Ted: Japan? What's she doing in Japan?
Pat Healy: Well, you've heard of mail-order brides? Well, they go that way too.
Ted: What, are they desperate? She's a whale!
Pat Healy: You can't forget, it's a sumo culture, Ted. They pay by the pound over there. Sorta like, um, tuna.
[When Ted gets his genitals stuck in the zippers]
Charlie Jensen: Is it the frank or the beans?
Ted: I don't know, both I guess.
Warren: [from outside] Franks and Beans! Franks and Beans!
Warren: Have you seen my baseball?
[Ted, Pat, and Tucker have all gone gaga over Mary]
Pat Healy: [to Tucker] We agreed I wouldn't fuck you, and you wouldn't fuck me until we got this fuck (Ted) outta the fuckin' picture!
Jonathan: His friends would say stop whining, they've had enough of that; His friends would say stop pining, there's other girls to look at; They've tried to set him up with Tiffany and Indigo; But there's something about Mary that they don't know; Mary, there's just something about Mary.
Mary's Step-Father: Oh man! How'd you get the beans above the frank?
Mary: Did you mean what you said up there?
Ted: Well ya I just want you to be happy Mary.
Mary: But I'd be happiest with you.
Ted: What about Bret Fahvera...?
Mary: What did I tell you the first time we met? I'm a Niners fan!
Pat Healy: What the hell is Brett Favre doing here?
Brett Favre: I'm in town to play the Dolphins, you dumb ass.
Mary: Hey, you want to go upstairs and watch SportsCenter?
Ted: No, I think I'm just going to quit while I'm ahead.
Mary: You're not that far ahead, Ted.
[to her girlfriends]
Mary: I want a guy who can play 36 holes of golf, and still have enough energy to take Warren and me to a baseball game, and eat sausages, and beer, not lite beer, but beer. That's my ad, print it up.
Brenda: "Fatty who likes golf, beer, and baseball." Gee, Mary, where are you gonna find a gem like that?
Ted: He never even looked her up down there! He was down there closing his deal with the Rice-a-Roni people the whole time!
[after telling Mary that he's an architect]
Pat Healy: Really, it's only a side thing for my true passion.
Mary: And what's that?
Pat Healy: I work with retards.
Mary: Isn't that a little politically incorrect?
Pat Healy: Yeah, maybe, but hell, no one's gonna tell me who I can and can't work with.
Ted: So you're moving down to Miami?
Pat Healy: I accepted a job offer.
Ted: With who?
Pat Healy: With... uh... Rice-a-Roni.
Ted: Isn't that the San Francisco treat?
Pat Healy: It *was*. They're changing their image.
Mary: Is that... is that hair gel?
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