Quotes from
U.H.F. (1989)
George Newman: I need a drink.Bob: You don't drink.
George Newman: Yeah, but I've been meaning to start.
[Watching a cartoon]
Stanley Spadowski: Watch out, Mr. Coyote... Aww.
Crazy Ernie: If nobody comes down here and buys a car in the next hour, I'm gonna club this baby seal. That's right. I'm gonna club this seal to make a better deal. You know I'll do it, to, cause I'm crazy.
Stanley Spadowski: Life is like a mop. Sometimes life gets full of dirt and crud and hairballs and things and you gotta clean it out. You gotta stick it in here and rinse it off and start all over again. And sometimes life sticks to the floor so much that a mop, a mop, it's not good enough. You gotta get down there with like a toothbrush, you know, and you gotta really scrub 'cause you gotta get it off. But if that doesn't work, you can't give up. You gotta stand right up. You gotta run to a window and say, "These floors are dirty as hell, and I'm not gonna take it any more."
George Newman: Lesbian Nazi Hookers Abducted by UFOs and Forced Into Weight Loss Programs - -all next week on Town Talk.
Pamela Finklestein: "Broads don't belong in broadcasting"? Is that the kind of professional courtesy you teach your news department?
R.J. Fletcher: Why, that's a terrible thing. I don't know how many time I've told those boys, never call chicks broads.
Stanley Spadowski: I'm thinkin' of something orange. Something orange. Give up? It's an orange.
[laughs]
Stanley Spadowski: Ok, now I'm thinkin' of something blue. Something bluuuuuue.
[George and Bob just got fired again]
Bob: How could you do this to me? I knew this was gonna happen.
George Newman: You're right, Bob. I'm sorry. What can I say? I-I'm a miserable worthless hunk of slime. Here, I want you to take this crowbar and just bash my head right in. Go ahead. Really. Just BASH my head right in.
Bob: George, you know I can't do that. You still owe me 5 bucks.
[afterlosing his thumb in a table saw]
Joe Earley: Can you believe this? Would you look at that? Just call me "Mr. Butterfingers." I think it's on the floor somewhere. Is my face red.
[On the game show, "Wheel of Fish", Phyllis Weaver has just spun the wheel and landed on a red snapper]
Kuni: Ahhh, a red snapper. Mmmmm, very tasty. Okay, Weaver, listen carefully. You can hold on to your red snapper...
[Hiro-San emerges, carrying a table with a box]
Kuni: ...or you can go for what's in the box that Hiro-San is bringing down the aisle right now! What's it gonna be?
[Phyllis Weaver decides between the Red Snapper and the box. The audience points to the box]
Phyllis Weaver: I'll take the box. The box!
[the audience applauded]
Kuni: You took the box? Let's see what's in the box!
[Hiro-san opened the box, and the audience gasps in silence]
Kuni: Nothing! Absolutely nothing! STUPID! You're so STU-PIIIIIIIIIIID!
Bob: I don't know about this, George. We don't know the first thing about what goes on in a television station.
George Newman: Don't worry, Bob. It's just like working in a fish-market. Except you don't have to clean and gut fish all day.
[In the "Spatula City" advertising commercial]
Sy Greenblum: Hello, this is Sy Greenblum, president of Spatula City. I like the spatulas so much, I bought the company.
Stanley Spadowski: George, you know I was wondering, like if you were traveling through outer space, I mean like you're going real fast, like the speed of light, you know... hoooohhhhh... and all of a sudden you started screaming... aaaahhhhh aaaaahhhhh... Do you think your brain would blow up?
Bob: Guys, I'm trying to work... Do you mind?
Stanley Spadowski: I don't mind. Go right ahead... Do you mind, George?
Raul Hernandez: For those of you just joining us, today we're teaching poodles how to fly.
Stanley Spadowski: "These floors are dirty as hell, and I'm not gonna take it any more."
[as in The Treasure of the Sierra Madre (1948)]
Raul Hernandez: Badgers? Badgers? We don't need no stinking badgers.
R.J. Fletcher: This is an embarrassment. A disgrace. What do you think R.J. Fletcher Senior would be saying if he were alive today?
Richard Fletcher: "Help me out of this box, I can't breathe in here. Help, let me out."
Stanley Spadowski: George? What's the matter?
George Newman: Stanley, you don't want to know.
Stanley Spadowski: Huh? Why did I ask?
Philo: Hello, my name is Philo and welcome to Secrets of the Universe. Today we are going to learn how to make plutonium from common household items.
George Newman: Hey, kids. Where y'wanna go? That's right. To Uncle Nutzy's Clubhouse. And boy-oh-boy, are we gonna have big fun today. We're gonna have so much fun, we'll forget about how miserable we are, and how much life sucks, and how we're all gonna grow old and die someday.
Little Weasle: I wanna go home.
George Newman: Shut up, you litle weasel... Okay. Right now I'd like to show you one of my favorite cartoons. It's a sad, depressing story about a pathetic coyote who spends every waking moment of his life in the futile pursuit of a saidistic roadrunner who MOCKS him and LAUGHS at him as he's repeatedly CRUSHED and MAIMED. Hope you ENJOY IT.
Stanley Spadowski: Oh, Joel Miller, you've just found the marble in the oatmeal. You're a lucky, lucky, lucky little boy. 'Cause you know why? You get to drink from... the FIRE HOOOOOSE!
George Newman: You gotta grab life by the lips and YANK as hard as you can.
Ghandi: Give me a steak, medium-rare.
Raul: Not many people know this, but the turtle is nature's suction cup.
[licks the bottom of a turtle, throws it towards the ceiling]
Raul: Look. It sticks.
Earl Ramsey: Gun control is for wimps and commies. Listen, let's get one thing straight. Guns don't kill people. I do.
[Stanley is eating a watermelon]
Stanley Spadowski: Mmm. This is pretty good water...
[He stops and thinks about it]
Stanley Spadowski: Tastes like poop.
[In the TV show "Conan the Librarian"]
Timid Man: Can you tell me where I can find a book on astronomy?
[Conan the Librarian lifts the man up with his bare hands]
Conan the Librarian: [imitating Arnold Schwarzenegger] Don't you know the Dewey Decimal System?
[In the TV show "Conan the Librarian"]
Young book customer: [before Conan slices him in half] These books are a little overdue.
[George and Teri make up]
Teri: Hello, stranger.
George Newman: Teri, what are you doing here? I thought you never wanted to see me again.
Teri: Whatever gave you that idea?
George Newman: Well, my first clue is when you told me you never wanted to see me again.
[while watching "Raul's Wild Kingdom"]
Bob: Where did you find this guy?
George Newman: Me? I thought you hired him.
Raul Hernandez: This is my ant farm. These little guys can lift fifty times their own weight. They also spend weeks digging these little tunnels. And hey, they really hate it when you do this.
[Raul picks up the ant farm and shakes it]
Raul Hernandez: Oh look. They're really mad now.
Teri: George, did you get fired again?
George Newman: [banging his head against a counter] Yes. Yes. It's all true. I just don't know what's wrong with me.
[instantly changes his mood]
George Newman: So, what's for dinner?
[takes a look at what's for dinner]
George Newman: Mashed potatoes! My favorite!
Pamela Finklestein: Yeah, so, can I help you?
George Newman: Hi, I'm George Newman. I'm the new station manager.
Pamela Finklestein: Ugh. You know, when I first took this job, they told me that this position would only be temporary, and that eventually, when the time was right, I would be moved up to news which is really my forte. You know how long I've been working here? Two years. It's kind of hard to get promoted when every other week you have a new boss. This job really sucks.
George Newman: Well, this is my friend Bob.
R.J. Fletcher: This community means about as much to me as a festering ball of dog snot. You think I care about the pea-brained yokels of this town? If you took their combined I.Q., and multiplied it by a hundred, you might have enough intelligence to tie your shoe, if you didn't drool all over yourself first. I can't stand those sniveling maggots. They make me want to puke. But, there is one good thing about broadcasting to a town full of mindless sheep. I always know I have them exactly where I want them. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Teri: George, you've been bouncing from job to job ever since I've known you. You have to find some way of making your overactive imagination work for you instead of against you.
[turns around and discovers that George has molded his mashed potatoes into a mountain]
Teri: What are you doing?
George Newman: This is important. This means something.
George Newman: [picks up a metal container from a pot of boiling oil, all these little black things are inside it] Well, the fries are just about done.
[puts it back in the oil]
Kuni: Supplies!
R.J. Fletcher: This is a TV studio, not a home for irresponsible pus-brains!
Bob: ...Well, I've got good news and bad news.
George Newman: Tell me the bad news first, get it over with.
Bob: The bad news is, at the rate things are going, my books predict that this station will be flat broke by the end of the month.
George Newman: OUCH... So what's the good news?
Bob: ...I lied. There is no good news.
George Newman: [as "Uncle Nutsy," to Bob as "Bobbo the Clown"] ... Hey, Bobbo! Wanna play a game? Look up... Look down... Now look at Mr. Frying Pan!
[Hits him in the face]
George Newman: Uh-oh. Bobbo fall down go boom. Aw, what's the matter, Bobbo? I know! You're hungry! Have I got just the thing for you! Yes sir, clowns AND kids just can't resist the mouth-watering, lip-smacking taste of Mrs. Hackenberger's Butter Cookies!
[He proceeds to stuff Bobbo's face with "cookies," which are actually dog biscuits; George has picked up the wrong box!]
George Newman: Right, Bobbo? That's right! And guess what, Mom? THEY'RE NUTRITIOUS, TOO! Just look at how much Bobbo here likes 'em! Mmmm, THAT'S GOOD! And don't forget, there's a nifty surprise inside every box of Mrs. Hackenberger's...
[notices his mistake for the first time]
George Newman: ... Oooops! Heh Heh, it looks like Bobbo's been eating YAPPY'S DOG TREATS!
[a look of horror crosses Bobbo's face, and he runs off to the "little clowns' room."]
George Newman: That's right, Yappy's Dog Treats! Your dog will love that real liver-and-tuna taste...
[We hear Bobbo vomiting]
George Newman: ... With just a hint of cheese!
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