Quotes from
Uncle Buck (1989)
[Buck's beat-up old car pulls up.]Bug: Ever hear of a tune-up? Ha ha.
Buck: Hee hee hee. Ever hear of a ritual killing?
Bug: I don't get it.
Buck: You gnaw on Tia's face in public like that again and you'll be one. Hee hee hee hee!
Marcie Dahlgren-Frost: Marcie Dahlgren-Frost. Dahlgren is my maiden name, Frost is my married name. I'm single again, but I never bothered to remove the frost. And I get compliments on the hyphen.
[Miles watches his sister make out with her boyfriend.]
Miles: That's a pretty stupid thing to do during flu season!
Miles: Where do you live?
Buck: In the city.
Miles: You have a house?
Buck: Apartment.
Miles: Own or rent?
Buck: Rent.
Miles: What do you do for a living?
Buck: Lots of things.
Miles: Where's your office?
Buck: I don't have one.
Miles: How come?
Buck: I don't need one.
Miles: Where's your wife?
Buck: Don't have one.
Miles: How come?
Buck: It's a long story.
Miles: You have kids?
Buck: No I don't.
Miles: How come?
Buck: It's an even longer story.
Miles: Are you my Dad's brother?
Buck: What's your record for consecutive questions asked?
Miles: 38.
Buck: I'm your Dad's brother alright.
Miles: You have much more hair in your nose than my Dad.
Buck: How nice of you to notice.
Miles: I'm a kid - that's my job.
[Miles Russell is gawking at his birthday breakfast.]
Buck Russell: If you think this is big, wait until you see the toast. I couldn't even get it through the door.
[Buck Russell inquires about the health of Bob's father-in-law]
Buck Russell: Her dad?
Bob Russell: Hard to say.
Buck Russell: Oh, those medical terms eh?
Buck Russell: I don't think I want to know a six-year-old who isn't a dreamer, or a sillyheart. And I sure don't want to know one who takes their student career seriously. I don't have a college degree. I don't even have a job. But I know a good kid when I see one. Because they're ALL good kids, until dried-out, brain-dead skags like you drag them down and convince them they're no good. You so much as scowl at my niece, or any other kid in this school, and I hear about it, and I'm coming looking for you! Take this quarter, go downtown, and have a rat gnaw that thing
[Anita's mole]
Buck Russell: off your face! Good day to you, madam.
Buck Russell: Get in your mouse, and get out of here.
Buck: Well, well, well, they certainly are scraping the bottom of the barrel for cheerleaders these days.
Tia: What are you doing here?
Buck: I was just driving by with Miles and Maisey going out for some ice cream. Thought you might like to join us.
Tia: I said I would be home at 10. It's not even 9!
Buck: Who said anything about that? I thought you might like to join us for some ice cream. Maybe your boyfriend Bug here can join us. We can talk about burying the hatchet. You know what a hatchet is Bug?
Bug: An ax?
Buck: Sort of, yeah. I got one in my car if you'd like to see it.
Bug: I'll pass.
Buck: Fair enough. I like to carry it around because you never know when your going to need it. A situation may come up say for example, someone has been drinking, and about to drive a loved one home, they I'd like to know I have it. Not to kill. Just to maim. Take a little off the shoulder. Swish! The elbow. Slash! Shave a little meat off the old kneecap. Fowap! Ooooo! You got both kneecaps? I like to keep mine razor sharp. Sharp enough you can shave with it. Why I've been known to circumcise a knat. You're not a knat are you Bug? Wait a minute, bug, knat. Is there a little similarity? Whoa, I think there is! Ha ha ha. You understand what I'm talking about? I don't think you do. I'll be right back. Heh heh heh heh.
[walks away]
Tia: I'm sorry. He's very over...
Bug: Look, I think you'd better split. I don't exactly want you uncle to sic an ax on me.
Tia: He's all talk.
[Buck pulls out a small hatchet from his car]
Buck: Here it is! Come over here, Bug! Come on, I want to show it to you. Maybe later. Okay. Let go Tia!
Tia: Uncle Buck?
Buck: Yeah?
Tia: Got a minute?
Buck: Sure I got lots of minutes.
Tia: Now that everything's okay with my grandfather and my parents will be coming home on Saturday, I want to go out tomorrow night to his party that...
Buck: You can go crazy after I leave. Until then, I'm not letting you out.
Tia: You just can't find any way to be cool can you?
Buck: You mean easy? No.
Tia: I mean decent!
Buck: You mean blind!
Tia: Who are you trying to score points with? My parents? Think about it. How many times have they had you over here since we moved? Try none until they went up shit creek and got stuck!
Buck: Get used on your own time.
Buck: What time do you want me to pick you up after school?
Tia: Don't bother! I'll get a ride with friends
Buck: No, I have my orders. What time?
Tia: Are you really this stupid? I said I would get a ride. I always get a ride.
Buck: Hey, I'll just call the school, find out what time, and meet you right here.
Tia: Go ahead, call the school. I won't be here.
Buck: Stand me up today and tomorrow I'll drive you to school in my robe and pajamas and WALK you to your first class. 4:00 okay?
Buck Russell: Do you think she hates me?
Maisy Russell: With a passion.
Buck Russell: Really? Do you think it's the hat?
Maisy Russell: No.
Buck Russell: No? A lot of people hate this hat. It angers a lot of people, just the sight of it. Ah, I'll tell you a story about that on the way to school.
Miles: Waiting for your sex?
Tia: Shutup!
Buck: Tia, stay away from him. The guy's a predator and you're his prey.
Tia: How do you know?
Buck: When I was his age, I was a guy zooming girls like you. A pretty face, big chip on the shoulder.
Tia: I recommend you say out of my personal life!
Buck: Do your parents stay out of your personal life?
Tia: They don't know my personal life.
Buck: Have they met twiddle-dink?
Tia: His name is Bug.
Buck: [chuckles] First or last?
Tia: First!
Buck: What's his last name, Spray?
[At a meeting with the assistant principal, who's got a big unsightly growth on her face]
Anita: I'm Anita Hoargarth.
Buck Russell: [Staring at it] I'm Buck Melanoma. Moley Russell's wart. Not her wart. I'm her growth, her pimple. They sometimes call me Melanoma head.
Buck: Art Linkletter was right. Kids do say the God damndest things.
Tia Russell: Are you crazy?
Buck Russell: I can be.
Tia Russell: You could have taken his head off!
Buck Russell: Yeah, but would he notice?
Maisy's Teacher: Does anybody have a special story to tell the class about something that happened this week?
[Maisy raises her hand]
Maisy's Teacher: Maisy?
Maisy Russell: My Uncle was micro waving our socks and the dog threw up on the couch for an hour.
Maisy's Teacher: Honest?
Maisy Russell: Mm-Hmm.
Maisy's Teacher: Why was your Uncle micro waving your socks?
Maisy Russell: He can't get the goddamn washing machine to work.
Maisy's Teacher: BLASPHEIMER!
Buck: Did you brush your teeth?
Miles: Yeah. You can even feel my toothbrush.
Buck: You know, I have a friend who works at the crime lab at the police station. I could give him your toothbrush and he could run a test on it... to see if you actually brushed your teeth... or just ran your toothbrush under the faucet.
[Miles imagines hearing sirens]
Buck: [Buck leaves]
Maisy Russell: If that's true, we're gonna REALLY have to start brushing our teeth.
[Buck is trying to make Tia go out bowling with him]
Buck: We've done the battle of the wills. The deck's stacked in my favor. You're just gonna lose again.
Tia: Try me.
Buck: How would you like to spend the next several nights wondering if your crazy, out of work, bum uncle will shave your head while you sleep? See you in the car.
Maisey Russell: I don't know why we need boys at all. They're so loud.
Miles Russell: [Off-Screen] Shut Up!
Maisey Russell: Shut up, yourself!
Tia Russell: We need boys, so they can grow up, get married, and turn into shadows.
Tia Russell: If my whole family moved away from me, I'd drop dead from a heart attack too.
Tia: Hey, Mom. Next time you take off in the middle of the night, why don't you hire a murderer to watch the house?
Maisy: They have rent-a-shoes!
Tia: And rent-a-foot disease!
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