Quotes from
Home Alone (1990)
Kev: This is my house, I have to defend it.Kate McCallister: [to the Scranton Ticket Agent] This is CHRISTMAS. The season of perpetual hope. And I don't care if I have to get out on your runway and hitchhike. If it costs me everything I own, if I have to sell my soul to the devil himself, I am going to get home to my son.
Kev: You guys give up yet? Or are you thirsty for more?
Marv: Kids are scared of the dark.
Harry: You're afraid of the dark, too, Marv.
Kev: Is this toothbrush approved by the American Dental Association?
Clerk: Well, I don't know. It doesn't say, hon.
Kev: Well could you please find out?
Kev: This house is so full of people it makes me sick. When I grow up and get married, I'm living alone.
Kev: I took a shower washing every body part with actual soap; including all my major crevices; including in between my toes and in my belly button which I never did before but sort of enjoyed. I washed my hair with adult formula shampoo and used cream rinse for that just-washed shine. I can't seem to find my toothbrush, so I'll pick one up when I go out today. Other than that, I'm in good shape.
Marv: He's only a kid Harry. We can take him.
Kev: Can I sleep in your room? I don't want to sleep on the hide-a bed with Fuller. If he has something to drink, he'll wet the bed.
Buzz McCallister: I wouldn't let you sleep in my room if you were growing on my ass.
Kate McCallister: How could we do this? We forgot him.
Peter McCallister: We didn't forget him. We just miscounted.
Kate McCallister: What kind of a mother am I?
Frank McCallister: If it makes you feel any better, I forgot my reading glasses.
Gangster 'Johnny': Who is it?
Pizza Boy: It's Little Nero, sir. I have your pizza.
Gangster 'Johnny': Leave it at the doorstep and get the hell 'outta here.
Pizza Boy: Okay, but what about the money?
Gangster 'Johnny': What money?
Pizza Boy: Well, you'll have to pay for your pizza, sir.
Gangster 'Johnny': How much do I owe you?
Pizza Boy: That'll be $11.80, sir.
[Kevin drops the money from the door hatch]
Gangster 'Johnny': Keep the change, you filthy animal.
Pizza Boy: Cheapskate.
Gangster 'Johnny': Hey, I'm going to give you to the count of ten, to get your ugly face out of my property, before I pump your guts full of lead! 1, 2, 10!
Mitch Murphy: Hi, I'm Mitch Murphy. I live across the street. You guys going out of town? We're going to Orlando, Florida. Well, actually, first we're going to Missouri to pick up my grandma. Did you know the McCallisters are going to France? Do you know if it's cold there? Do these vans get good gas mileage?
Airport Driver: Gee, kid, I don't know. Hit the road.
Peter McCallister: The only flying that I ever did as a kid was in the family station wagon. It wasn't to France. We used to have to go over to Aunt Laura and Uncle Arthur's house.
Harry: Where did he go?
Marv: Maybe he committed suicide.
Kev: I'm over here you big horse's ass, come and get me before I call the police.
Kev: The 3rd floor?
Kate McCallister: Go.
Kev: It's scary up there.
Kate McCallister: Don't be silly, Fuller will be up in a little while.
Kev: I don't want to sleep with Fuller. You know about him, he wets the bed. He'll pee all over me, I know it.
Kate McCallister: [looking disgusted] Fine, we'll put him somewhere else.
Kev: A lovely cheese pizza, just for me.
[the check-out woman holds up a bag full of army men, and gives Kevin a funny look]
Kev: For the kids.
Kate McCallister: I have been awake for almost 60 hours. I'm tired and I'm dirty. I have been from Chicago to Paris to Dallas to... where the hell am I?
Ticket Agent: Scranton.
Kate McCallister: [finally letting her aggravation out] I am trying to get home to my eight-year-old son. And now that I'm this close, you're telling me it's hopeless?
Kate McCallister: no, he's just home alone.
[while on the airplane]
Frank McCallister: [Talking to Leslie] Wow that's real crystal. Put it in your purse.
Kev: Did anyone order me a plain cheese?
Buzz McCallister: Yeah we did, but if you want any someones gonna have to barf it all up cuz' it's gone.
Kate McCallister: Where are the passports and tickets?
Peter McCallister: I put them in the microwave to dry em' off.
Kate McCallister: Heather, did you count heads?
Heather: Eleven, including me. Five boys, six girls, four parents, two drivers, and a partridge in a pear tree.
Megan: You're not at all worried that something might happen to Kevin?
Buzz McCallister: No, for three reasons: A, I'm not that lucky. Two, we use smoke detectors and D, we live on the most boring street in the whole United States of America, where nothing even remotely dangerous will ever happen. Period.
Kate McCallister: Kevin, get upstairs right now.
Kev: Why?
Jeff: Kevin, you're such a disease.
Kev: Shut up.
Peter McCallister: Kevin, upstairs.
Kate McCallister: Say good night, Kevin.
Kev: "Good night Kevin."
[last lines]
Buzz McCallister: KEVIN. What did you do to my room?
Kevin McCallister: I made my family disappear.
[thinks back to family members saying bad things about him]
Megan: Kevin, you're completely helpess!
Linnie: No, Kevin, you're what the French call les incompetents.
Buzz McCallister: Kevin, I'm going to feed you to my tarantula.
Jeff: Kevin, you are SUCH a DISEASE!
Kate McCallister: There are 15 people in this house and you're the only one who has to make trouble.
Frank McCallister: Look what you DID, you little JERK.
Kevin McCallister: [gleefully] I made my family disappear.
Kevin McCallister: Mom, Uncle Frank won't let me watch the movie but the big kids can. Why can't I?
Kate McCallister: Kevin, I'm on the phone.
Kevin McCallister: It's not even rated R. He's just being a jerk.
Kate McCallister: Kevin, if Uncle Frank says no then it must be really bad.
Kate McCallister: [about Kevin] He was in the garage again playing with the glue gun.
Peter McCallister: Didn't we talk about that?
Kevin McCallister: Did I burn down the joint? I don't think so. I was making ornaments out of fish hooks.
Peter McCallister: My NEW fish hooks?
Kevin McCallister: I can't make ornaments out of the old ones, with dry worm guts stuck on them.
Aunt Leslie: Peter, Kate, do you guys have a voltage adapter?
Peter McCallister: [hands her Kevin] Here, here's a voltage adapter.
Aunt Leslie: My, but you're getting heavy. Go pack your suit case.
Kev: [stares in horror] *Pack* my *suitcase*?
Kate McCallister: [while on the phone, Kevin jumps onto the bed] No, we're not bringing the dog. We took him to the kennel... Hey, hey! Get off. Kevin, out of the room!
Kevin McCallister: Hang up the phone and make me, why don't you?
Peter McCallister: Hey did you by any chance pick up a voltage adapter thing?
Kate McCallister: No, I didn't have time to do that.
Peter McCallister: Well how am I supposed to shave in France?
Kate McCallister: Grow a goatee.
Kev: I don't know how to pack a suit case. I've never done this once in my whole life.
Jeff: Tough.
Kev: That's what Megan said.
Megan: What did I say?
Jeff: You told Kevin "tough".
Megan: The dope was whining about a suit case. What was I supposed to do? Shake his hand and say, "Congratulations, you're an idiot"?
Harry: Hi.
Brook: Hi.
Harry: Are your parents home?
Brook: Yeah.
Harry: Do they live here?
Brook: No.
[walks off]
Harry: No. Why should they? All kids. No parents. Probably a fancy orphanage.
Rod: Who's gonna feed your spider while we're gone?
Buzz McCallister: He just ate a whole load of mice guts. He should be good for a couple of weeks. Say isn't it true that French babes don't shave their pits?
Rod: Some don't.
Buzz McCallister: But they got nude beaches?
Rod: Not in the winter.
[Buzz sulks]
Peter McCallister: Hi.
Harry: Hi. Are you Mr. McCallister?
Peter McCallister: Yeah.
Harry: The Mr. McCallister who lives here?
Peter McCallister: Yes.
Pizza Boy: Oh good, because somebody owes me $122.50.
Kate McCallister: [breaking up a fight between Kevin and Buzz; To Kevin] What is the matter with you?
Kev: He started it! He ate my pizza on purpose. He knows I hate sausage and olives...
Frank McCallister: Look what ya did, ya little JERK!
Kev: Santa, hold on. Can I talk to you for a second?
Santa: Yes but make it quick. Santa's got a little get together he's late for.
Kev: Okay. I know you're not the real Santa Claus.
Santa: [His beard is pulled down, revealing his real face] What makes you say that? Er, just out of curiosity.
Kev: This is extremely important. Will you please tell Santa that instead of presents this year, I just want my family back. No toys, nothing but Peter, Kate, Buzz, Megan, Linnie and Jeff. And my aunt and my cousins. And if he has time, my Uncle Frank. Okay?
Marv: [the McCallister house is filled with supposid partygoers; music is blasting] Did they come back?
Harry: From *Paris*?
Harry: [Kevin was almost mowed down by Harry and Marv] hey, hey! You gotta watch out for traffic, son. You know?
Kev: Sorry.
Harry: Damn!
Marv: [to Kevin] Santy don't visit the funeral homes, little buddy.
Harry: Okay, okay. Merry Christmas.
[Smiles; his gold tooth glistens; Kevin gasps]
Lineman: Excuse me, Ma'am, I wanted to let you know that your power is fixed but the phone lines are a mess. It's gonna take Melville a couple of days to patch them up. Especially around the holidays.
Kate McCallister: [Without really listening] Okay, thanks.
Check-Out Woman: Are you here all by yourself?
Kev: Ma'am, I'm 8 years old. You think I would be here ALONE? I don't think so.
Marv: [as they follow behind Kevin, he suddenly runs] Why is he going faster?
Harry: See, I told you something was wrong. See I knew he looked at me weird. Why would he run?
Kate McCallister: PETER!
[they jump out of bed]
Kate McCallister, Peter McCallister: [shouting] We slept in!
Kate McCallister: Did I turn off the coffee?
Peter McCallister: No. I did.
Kate McCallister: Did you lock up?
Peter McCallister: Yeah.
Kate McCallister: Did you close the garage?
Peter McCallister: That's it. I forgot to close the garage. That's it.
Kate McCallister: [after pause] No, that's not it.
Peter McCallister: Well what else could we be forgetting?
Kate McCallister: [Sits back in seat; after even longer pause, jumps up-right] KEVIN!
Harry: [pointing to the McCallister house] That's the one, Marv, that's the silver tuna.
Marv: Oh, it's very gee.
Harry: Very gee, huh? It's loaded. It's got lot's of top-flight goods. Stereoes, VCRs...
Marv: Toys?
Harry: Probably looking at some very fine jewelry. Possible cash hoarde. Odd marketable securities... Who knows. It's a gem. Hand me a crow bar. Crow bars up.
[they clink their crow bars together]
Marv: [listening to a phone message in the house they are robbing] Hey, Harry, that house we were at last night, was that the McCallisters?
Harry: Yeah.
Marv: You're right. They're gone.
Harry: I knew they were.
Marv: Silver tuna tonight!
Kev: Guys, I'm eating junk and watching rubbish! You better come out and stop me!
Harry: I think we're getting scammed by a kindergartener.
Uncle Frank: There's no way on earth we can make this plane. It leaves in 45 minutes.
Peter McCallister: Think positive Frank!
Uncle Frank: You be postitive. I'll be realistic
Harry: [Marv brings a load of stolen goods from the Murphy household to the van and Harry sees him laughing] What's so funny? What are you laughing at? You did it again didn't you? You left the water running. What's wrong with you? Why do you do that? I told you not to do it.
Marv: Harry, it's our calling card!
Harry: Calling card.
Marv: All the great ones leave their mark. We're the wet bandits!
Marv: [Harry and Marv arrive at the Mcallister house at 9:00PM] So how do you want to get in?
Harry: We'll go thru the back. Maybe the kid will let us in, you never know.
Marv: Yeah. He's a kid. Kids are stupid.
Harry: [sitting outside the McCallister house] I don't get it. I mean right now it looks like there's nobody home. Last night the place was jumping. Something ain't right.
[to Marv]
Harry: Go check it out.
Marv: [Stares blankly] Now?
Harry: No tomorrow, egghead. NOW! GO AHEAD. "Now".
Kev: So give it a shot, for your granddaughter anyway. I'm sure she misses you and the presents.
Marley: I send her a check.
Kev: I wish my grandparents did that. They always send me clothes. Last year I got a sweater with a big bird knitted on it.
Marley: That's nice.
Kev: Not for a guy in the second grade. You can get beat up for wearing something like that. Yeah, I had a friend who got nailed because there was a rumor he wore dinosaur pajamas.
Rod: [watching Old Man Marley] What's he doing now?
Buzz McCallister: He walks up and down the streets every night, salting the sidewalks.
Rod: Maybe he's just trying to be nice.
Buzz McCallister: No way. See that garbage can full of salt? That's where he keeps his victims. The salt turns the bodies... Into mummies.
Rod: Whoa.
Kev: Mummies?
[Marley looks up at the boys]
Rod: Look out!
[They close the drapes and run]
Kev: Everybody in this family hates me!
Kate McCallister: Then maybe you should ask Santa for a new family.
Kev: I don't want another family. I don't want any family. Families suck!
Kate McCallister: Just stay up there. I don't want to see you again for the rest of the night.
Kev: I don't want to see you again for the rest of my whole life. And I don't want to see anybody else either.
Kate McCallister: I hope you don't mean that. You'd feel pretty sad if you woke up tomorrow morning and you didn't have a family.
Kev: No I wouldn't.
Kate McCallister: Then say it again. Maybe it will happen.
Kev: I hope that I never see any of you jerks again!
Kev: Buzz?
Buzz McCallister: Don't you know how to knock, phlegm-wad?
Linnie McCallister: I hope you didn't just pack crap, Jeff.
Jeff: Shut up, Linnie.
Kev: You know what I should pack?
Jeff: Toilet paper and water.
Linnie McCallister: Listen, Kevin, what are you so worried about? You know Mom's gonna pack your stuff anyway. You're what the French call "les incompetents".
Kev: What?
Harry: [Barges through the kitchen door after his head is blow-torched] Where are you you little CREEP!
Uncle Frank: Look what ya did, ya little jerk.
Harry: Why the hell did you take your shoes off?
Marv: Why the hell are you dressed like a chicken?
Santa: Damn. How can you give Kris Kringle a parking ticket on Christmas Eve? What's next, rabies shots for the Easter Bunny?
Kevin: Bless this highly nutritious microwavable macaroni and cheese dinner and the people who sold it on sale. Amen.
Grocer: Where's your mom?
Kev: In the car.
Grocer: Where's your father?
Kev: He's at work.
Grocer: What about your brothers and sisters?
Kev: I'm an only child.
Grocer: Where do you live?
Kev: I can't tell you that.
Grocer: Why not?
Kev: Because you're a stranger.
Furnace: Ha ha ha. Hello, Kevin. Ha ha ha.
Kev: Shut up.
Kate McCallister: There are 15 people in this house, you're the only one who has to make trouble.
Kev: I'm the only one getting dumped on.
Kate McCallister: You're the only one acting up. Now get upstairs.
Kev: I am upstairs, dummy.
Mitch Murphy: [about the taxi-van] How fast does this thing go? Does it have automatic transmission? Does it have four-wheel drive?
Airport Driver: Look, I told you before, kid. Don't bother me. Now beat it.
Marv: [shouting] I'm gonna kill that kid.
Cop: Hey you know we've been looking for you two guys for a long time
Marv: Yeah. But remember, we're the wet bandits. The wet bandits. W-E-T.
Harry: [shouting] Shut up.
Kev: Buzz! Your girlfriend! Woof!
Harry: [knocks on the back door] Merry Christmas little fella. We know that you're in there, and that you're all alone.
Marv: Hey come on kid, open up. It's Santy Claus... and his elf!
Harry: [snickers] We're not gonna hurt you.
Marv: Oh no, no, we got some nice presents for you.
Harry: [as Kevin sticks the BB gun barrel through the dog door and aims at Harry's groin] Be a good little boy and open the door.
Harry: [Kevin shoots Harry in the groin with the BB gun, causing him to fall over in pain]
Marv: What? What? What happened?
Harry: Get the little- oogh!
[mutters incomprehensibly as Marv goes back and sticks his head through the dog door]
Kev: [Pointing the BB gun in Marv's face as he sticks his head through the dog door] Hello.
Marv: [Kevin shoots Marv in the face with the BB gun, making him pull his head back out of the dog door and yell in pain] The little jerk is armed!
Kev: Yyyess! Yes! Yes yes yes yes!
[Runs off to prepare the next trap]
Harry: That's it, that's it! I'll go through the front, you go down the basement!
[storms off swearing under his breath]
Kev: Hey, I'm not afraid anymore! I said I'm not afraid anymore! Do you hear me? I'm not afraid anymore!
[Old Man Marley approaches Kevin and starrs at him - Kevin runs back inside, screaming like a maniac]
[Harry and Marv have caught Kevin in the Murphy's house and hung him at the basement door]
Marv: THERE! What we're gonna do with him, Harry?
Harry: We'll do exactly what he did to us: we're gonna burn his head with a blowtorch.
Marv: Yeah! And smash his face with an iron.
Harry: I'd like to slap him right in the face with a paint can, eh!
[Marley sneaks in with his snow plough]
Marv: Or shove a nail through his foot.
Harry: First thing I'm gonna do is to bite off every one of his little fingers, one at a time.
[Marley raises his plough and knocks Marv out cold, Harry turns around only to be knocked out, too]
Marley: [takes Kevin down from the door] Come on, let's get you home.
Harry: You bomb me with one more can, kid, and I'll snap off your cajones and boil them in motor oil!
Peter McCallister: Honey the pizza boy need $122 dollars plus tip.
Kate McCallister: For pizza?
Peter McCallister: Ten pizzas times twelve bucks!
Aunt Leslie: Frank you've got money don't you?
Frank McCallister: Travlers checks.
Kate McCallister: Forget it Frank. We have cash.
Peter McCallister: You probably have the kind of travlers checks that don't work in France.
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