[McCoy trying to discuss what death was like with Spock] McCoy: C'mon Spock, it's me, McCoy. You really have gone where no man's gone before. Can't you tell me what it felt like? Spock: [in response to Kirk pawning his antique spectacles from Wrath of Khan] Excuse me, Admiral. But weren't those a birthday gift from Dr. McCoy? Kirk: And they will be again, that's the beauty of it.
[to Antique Store Owner] Kirk: How much? Antique Store Owner: Well, they'd be worth more if the lenses were intact. I'll give you one hundred dollars for them. Kirk: ...Is that a lot?
[Kirk and Spock enter a bus headed for the aquarium... only to exit the bus about 2 seconds later] Spock: [to Kirk] What does it mean, "exact change"? Punk on bus: [plays loud music on a bus] Kirk: Excuse me. Punk on bus: [doesn't listen] Kirk: Excuse me. Would you mind stopping that noise? Punk on bus: [turns it up louder] Kirk: [louder and firmer] Excuse me! Would you mind stopping that damn noise? Punk on bus: [flips him off] Kirk: [looks at Spock] Spock: [gives the punk the Vulcan Neck-Pinch, much to the delighted applause of the gratefull bus passengers] Spock: Admiral, may I ask you a question? Kirk: Spock, don't call me Admiral. You used to call me Jim. Don't you remember, "Jim"? Spock: ... Kirk: [gives up] What's your question? Chekov: Admiral. We have found the nuclear wessel. Kirk: Well done, Team 2. Chekov: And Admiral... it is the Enterprise.
[Kirk and Spock look at each other] Kirk: Understood.
[Explaining Spock's odd behavior] Kirk: Oh, him? He's harmless. Part of the free speech movement at Berkeley in the sixties. I think he did a little too much LDS.
[Spock is still learning how to use profanity correctly] Spock: They like you very much, but they are not the hell "your" whales. Dr. Gillian Taylor: I suppose they told you that. Spock: The hell they did.
[faced with a 20th century computer] Scotty: Computer. Computer?
[Bones hands him a mouse and he speaks into it] Scotty: Hello, computer. Dr. Nichols: Just use the keyboard. Scotty: Keyboard. How quaint. Dr. Gillian Taylor: Do you guys like Italian? Kirk: Yes. Spock: No. Kirk: Yes. Spock: No. Kirk: I love Italian,
[looks at Spock] Kirk: And so do you. Spock: Yes. Spock: Your use of language has altered since our arrival. It is currently laced with, shall we say, more colorful metaphors, "double dumb-ass on you" and so forth. Kirk: Oh, you mean the profanity? Spock: Yes. Kirk: Well that's simply the way they talk here. Nobody pays any attention to you unless you swear every other word. Kirk: Spock, where the hell's the power you promised? Spock: One damn minute, Admiral.
[after landing and cloaking a Klingon spaceship in Golden Gate Park] Kirk: Everybody remember where we parked. Kirk: If we play our cards right, we may be able to find out when those whales are being released. Spock: How will playing cards help? Dr. Gillian Taylor: Don't tell me, you're from outer space. Kirk: No, I'm from Iowa. I only work in outer space. Kirk: Out of the way... Policeman: Sorry, Doctor, I have strict orders...
[Gillian moans in pain] McCoy: My God man. Do you want an acute case on your hands? This woman has immediate post-parandial, upper-abdominal distention.
[they enter the OR] Kirk: What did you say she has? McCoy: Cramps.
[Gillian has just beamed aboard the Klingon ship for the first time] Kirk: Hello, Alice. Welcome to Wonderland.
[Uhura and Chekov are lost and looking to find an aircraft carrier] Chekov: Excuse me I'm looking for the nuclear wessels
[a cop looks at him] Chekov: Nuclear wessels. Disgruntled guy in car: Watch where you're going, ya dumb ass. Kirk: Well, a double dumb ass on you. McCoy: I mean, I may have carried your soul but I sure couldn't fill your shoes. Spock: My shoes? McCoy: Forget it. Dr. Gillian Taylor: Are you sure you won't change your mind? Spock: Is there something wrong with the one I have? Scotty: Admiral, there be whales here. McCoy: What's wrong with you? Elderly patient: I'm waiting for dialysis. McCoy: Dialysis? What is this, the Dark Ages? McCoy: My God, man. Drilling holes in his head isn't the answer. Kirk: Mr. Spock, have you accounted for the variable mass of whales and water in your time re-entry program? Spock: Mr. Scott cannot give me exact figures, Admiral, so... I will make a guess. Kirk: A guess? You, Spock? That's extraordinary. Spock: [to McCoy] I don't think he understands. McCoy: No, Spock. He means that he feels safer about your guesses than most other people's facts. Spock: Then you're saying... it is a compliment? McCoy: It is. Spock: Ah. Then I will try to make the best guess I can.
[Chekov is being interrogated] FBI Agent: Name. Chekov: My name? FBI Agent: [sarcastically] No, my name. Chekov: I do not know your name. FBI Agent: You play games with me mister, and you're through. Chekov: I am? Can I go now? Security Guard: How's the patient, doctor? Kirk: He's gonna make it. Security Guard: He? You came in with a she. Kirk: One little mistake... Chekov: Cloaking device available on all flight modes. Kirk: I'm impressed; that's a lot of work for a short journey. Chekov: We are in an enemy wessel. I did not wish to be shot down on our way to our own funeral. Spock: Are you sure it isn't time for a colorful metaphor? Dr. Gillian Taylor: He's just gonna hang around the bushes while we eat? Kirk: [shrugs] It's his way.
[Kirk has just spoken very abruptly to Scotty] Scotty: He's in a wee bit of a snit, isn't he? Spock: He is a man of deep feelings. Scotty: Aye, what else is new. McCoy: You realize that by giving him the formula you're altering history. Scotty: Why? How do we know he didn't invent the thing? Kirk: You're not exactly catching us at our best. Spock: That much is certain. Kirk: This is good-bye? Dr. Gillian Taylor: Why does it have to be good-bye? Kirk: Well, like they say in your century, I don't even have your telephone number.
[interrogating Chekov] FBI Agent 1: [to colleague] What do you think? FBI Agent 2: He's a Russki. FBI Agent 1: That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard in my life of course he's a Russki but is he a retard or somethin?...
[Chekov picks up hos phaser, stands up and aims it towards the FBI Agents] Chekov: Don't Move. FBI Agent 1: Okaay, make nice, give is the ray gun... Chekov: I warn you, if you don't lie on the floor I will have to stun you. FBI Agent 1: Go ahead. 'Stun' me... Chekov: I'm very sorry but...
[Attempts to fire phaser but it malfunctions] Chekov: ...Heh... It must be the radiation...
[Starts running]
[the crew is on a shuttlecraft pondering what their new ship will be] Sulu: ...I'm counting on Excelsior. Scotty: Excelsior? Why in God's name would you want that bucket of bolts? Kirk: A ship is a ship. Scotty: Whatever you say so... Thy will be done.
[the new USS Enterprise 1701-A emerges] Kirk: My friends... We've come home. Dr. Gillian Taylor: Don't tell me you don't use money in the 23rd Century. Kirk: Well we don't. Klingon Ambassador: There can be no peace as long as Kirk lives. Gillian: You're not from the military are you? Trying to teach whales to retrieve torpedoes or some dipshit stuff like that? Kirk: No, ma'am. No dipshit. Gillian: Well, good. If that was one thing I would have dropped you off right here. Spock: Gracie is pregnant.
[Gillian squeals to a stop] Kirk: They say the sea is cold, but the sea contains the hottest blood of all. Gillian: 'Whales Weep Not'... D. H. Lawrence. Kirk: You're half human, Spock, don't you have any god damn feelings about that? Klingon Ambassador: Behold the quintessential devil in these matters: James T. Kirk, renegade and terrorist. McCoy: I don't know if you've got the whole picture, but he's not exactly working on all thrusters.
[to 20th Century American interrogators] Chekov: I am Pavel Chekov, a commander in Starfleet. United Federation of Planets Service Number .
[on 20th Century America] Kirk: This is an extremely primitive and paranoid culture. Scotty: Damage control is easy. Reading Klingon, that's hard. Klingon Ambassador: Vulcans are well-known as the intellectual puppets of the Federation. Sulu: San Francisco! I was born there! Kirk: [trying to revive a groggy Checkov] Pavel, wake up... Pavel... Name! Rank! Chekov: [groggy] Name... Chekov, Pavel. Rank... Admiral! Kirk: May fortune favor the foolish. Ambassador Sarek: [Starfleet cannot communicate with the probe] It is difficult to answer when one does not understand the question.