Quotes from
The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad! (1988)
Frank: It's true what they say: Cops and women don't mix. It's like eating a spoonful of Drano, sure it'll clean you out, but it'll leave you hollow inside.Jane Spencer: I've heard police work is dangerous.
Frank: It is. That's why I carry a big gun.
Jane Spencer: Aren't you afraid it might go off accidentally?
Frank: I used to have that problem.
Jane Spencer: What did you do about it?
Frank: I just think about baseball.
Frank: It's the same old story. Boy finds girl, boy loses girl, girl finds boy, boy forgets girl, boy remembers girl, girls dies in a tragic blimp accident over the Orange Bowl on New Year's Day.
Jane Spencer: Goodyear?
Frank: No, the worst.
Frank: Just think, next time I shoot someone, I could be arrested.
Frank: It's fourth and fifteen and you're looking at a full-court press.
Mayor: Now Drebin, I don't want any trouble like you had on the South Side like last year, that's my policy.
Frank: Well, when I see five weirdos dressed in togas, stabbing a man in the middle of the park in front of a full view of 100 people, I shoot the bastards, that's my policy.
Mayor: That was a Shakesphere In The Park Production of Julius Caesar, you moron! You killed five actors! Good ones!
Ed: A hunch won't stand up in court, Frank. Going into Ludwig's office without a warrant, you're taking a big chance.
Frank: I know. You take a chance getting up in the morning, crossing the street or sticking your face in a fan.
Frank: Jane, since I've met you I've noticed things that I never knew were there before; birds singing, dew glistening on a newly formed leaf, stoplights.
Frank: Wilma, I promise you; whatever scum did this, not one man on this force will rest one minute before until he's behind bars. Now, let's grab a bite to eat.
Frank: Interesting... Almost as interesting as the photographs I saw today.
Jane Spencer: I was young. I needed the work.
[Jane climbs a ladder]
Frank: Saayyy, nice beaver.
Jane Spencer: [producing a stuffed beaver] Thanks. I just had it stuffed.
[Frank Drebin is emptying out his files after being kicked off the force]
Frank: Hey! The missing evidence in the Kelner case! He really was innocent!
Ed: Frank, Kelner went to the chair two years ago.
Frank: Well, uh...
[Frank Drebin quickly shoves the evidence back into the file cabinet]
[Frank Drebin is angrily breaking up with Jane Spencer]
Frank: And I'll tell you one more thing: I faked every orgasm!
Jane Spencer: I wanted you to know, now, I've loved you since the first day I met you, and I'll never stop. I'm a very lucky woman.
Frank: So am I...
[Drebin searches a drawer]
Frank: Bingo!
[pulls out a bingo card]
[offering a cigar]
Vincent Ludwig: Cuban?
Frank: No, Dutch-Irish. My father was from Wales.
Jane Spencer: Would you like a nightcap?
Frank: No thank you, I don't wear them.
Ed: Doctors say that Nordberg has a 50 - 50 chance of living, though there's only a 10 percent chance of that.
Thug: Drebin?
Frank: Yeah!
Thug: I got a message for you from Vincent Ludwig.
[Shoots gun at Drebin]
Thug: Take this you son of a bitch!
Frank: I can't hear you! Don't fire the gun while you're talking!
Frank: Yes, he's in the intensive care ward at Our Lady of the Worthless Miracle.
[while Jane is erotically sucking his finger]
Frank: I've got nine more.
Nurse #2: Mrs. Nordberg, I think we can save your husband's arm. Where would you like it sent?
Mrs. Nordberg: Oh, my poor Nordberg! He was such a good man, Frank. He never wanted to hurt anyone. Who would do such a thing?
Frank: It's hard to tell. A gang of thugs, a blackmailer, an angry husband, a gay lover...
Ed: That's no way for a man to die.
Frank: Ehhh, you're right, Ed. A parachute not opening... that's a way to die. Getting caught in the gears of a combine... having your nuts bit off by a Laplander, that's the way I wanna go.
Mrs. Nordberg: [crying] Oh... Frank. Ohh this is terrible.
Ed: Don't you worry Wilma. Your husband is going to be alright. Don't you worry about anything. Just think positive. Never let a doubt enter your mind.
Frank: He's right, Wilma. But I wouldn't wait until the last minute to fill out those organ donor cards.
Mrs. Nordberg: [starts crying again]
Ed: What I'm trying to say is that Wilma, as soon as Nordburg is better, he's welcome back at Police Squad.
Frank: Unless he's a drooling vegetable. But I think that's only common sense...
Frank: Protecting the Queen's safety is a task that is gladly accepted by Police Squad. No matter how silly the idea of having a queen might be to us, as Americans we must be gracious and considerate hosts.
Frank: I've finally found someone I can love - a good, clean love... without utensils.
[Frank recalls a prior love]
Frank: I'd known her for years. We used to go to all the police functions together. Ah, how I loved her, but she had her music. I think she had her music. She'd hang out with the Chicago Male Chorus and Symphony. I don't recall her playing an instrument or be able to carry a tune. Yet she was on the road 300 days of the year. In fact I bought her a harp for christmas. She asked me what it was.
Jane Spencer: How could you do something so vicious
Vincent Ludwig: It was easy my dear. You forget I spent two years as a building contractor.
Frank: oh, say can you see, buy the dawn's early light, what so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming. who's bright strips and broad stars, in the parelious night, o'er the rampart's we watched, as the da da, da, da, da, da, and the rocket's red glare, lots of bombs in the air, gave proof to the night, that we still had a flag, oh say does that spangle banner wave, over all-l-l-l-l that's free, over the home, of the land, and the land of the free!
Jane Spencer: I was only doing what i was told to do.
Frank: Like make love to me?
Jane Spencer: [gasps] FRANK!
[slaps him across the face]
[Frank Drebin walks through town]
Frank: [narrating] The attempt on Nordberg's life left me shaken and disturbed, and all the questions kept coming up over and over again, like bubbles in a case of club soda. Who was this character in the hospital? And why was he trying to kill Nordberg? And for whom? Did Ludwig lie to me? I didn't have any proof, but, somehow, I didn't entirely trust him, either. Why was the I Luv You not listed in Ludwig's records? And if it was, did he know about it? And if he didn't, who did? And where the hell was I?
Ed: You want to take a dingy?
Frank: No, I took care of that at the press conference.
Mayor: Armed robbery, arson, sexual assault with a concrete dildo... what the hell's got into you, Frank?
Jane Spencer: I'm boiling a roast. How hot and wet do you like it?
Frank: Verry hot, and mighty wet.
Driving instructor: Stephanie, calmly extend your right arm. Extend your middle finger. Well done.
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