Quotes from
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Clark: Could I do your back, honey?
Ellen Griswold: I've already done my back.
Clark: Could I do your front?
Ellen Griswold: Go do your own front.
Audrey Griswold: Mom, where can I go to the bathroom!?
Ellen Griswold: Find a bush Audrey!
Motorcycle Cop: Do you know what the penalty for animal cruelty is in this state?
Clark: No, sir, I don't.
Motorcycle Cop: Well... it's probably pretty stiff.
Clark: This is crazy. This is crazy. This is crazy.
Mechanic 1: Ain't never seen anyone so shit-all stupid as you driving off that road. You musta got manure for your brains.
Clark: Yeah, well, we're from out of town. How much do we owe?
Mechanic 2: All of it.
Clark: C'mon, seriously. How much do we owe?
Mechanic 2: [waving a wrench] I said all of it, boy.
Clark: What does your sheriff think of your business practices?
[Mechanic 2 laughs and shows his sheriff's badge.]
Cousin Eddie: How do you like yours, Clark?
Clark Griswold: Oh, medium rare, a little pink inside.
Cousin Eddie: No, I mean your bun.
Ed: Now, I owe it to myself to tell you, Mr. Griswold, that if you are thinking of taking the tribe cross country, this is your automobile. The Wagon Queen Family Truckster. You think you hate it now, but wait till you drive it.
Clark: Why aren't we flying? Because getting there is half the fun.
Clark: Oh Ellen, the old west was dirty. Everything isn't like home. If everything were like home, there would be no reason for leaving home. Right, Rusty?
Ellen: I honestly don't think we're going to find the Grand Canyon on this road.
Clark: Jesus, it's only the biggest God-damn hole in the world.
Aunt Edna: Clark, watch your language!
Clark: Make that the second biggest.
Ellen: I'm not sure of his exact height and weight. All I know is that the man was a saint with children and a genius with food additives and he was...Clark!
Cousin Vicki: I'm going steady, and I French kiss.
Audrey Griswold: So? Everybody does that.
Cousin Vicki: Yeah, but Daddy says I'm the best at it.
Cousin Eddie: Mmmmm, mmmm, mmm. I don't know why they call this stuff hamburger helper. It does just fine by itself, huh? I like it better than tuna helper myself, don't you, Clark?
Clark Griswold: You're the gourmet around here, Eddie.
Clark Griswold: He owe's the Griswolds right? Fucking A right he owe's us!
Eddie: I got laid off when they closed that asbestos factory, and wouldn't you know it, the army cuts my disability pension because they said that the plate in my head wasn't big enough.
Clark: Hey, hey, easy kids. Everybody in the car. Boat leaves in two minutes... or perhaps you don't want to see the second largest ball of twine on the face of the earth, which is only four short hours away?
Clark Griswold: Real tomato ketchup, Eddie?
Cousin Eddie: Oh, nothing but the best.
Aunt Edna: Why don't you just ask him for the money, Eddie? He sure as Hell can't take a hint.
Cousin Eddie: Well, I didn't want to ask you, Clark, you know, but could you maybe spare a little extra cash?
Clark Griswold: Sure, Eddie, how much do you need?
Cousin Eddie: About fifty-two thousand dollars.
Ellen Griswold: Clark, let's just skip the house of mud. I think Dodge City was enough for one day. Besides, Catherine and Eddie are expecting us.
Clark Griswold: It's living history Ellen. But if you'd rather see your cousins it's okay by me. Personally I'd rather see a pile of mud than Eddie.
[After driving off the road.]
Ellen Griswold: I think I broke my nose.
Rusty Griswold: I stabbed my brain.
Audrey Griswold: I just got my period.
Rusty Griswold: Is that a real gun, Mom?
Ellen Griswold: I don't know, Rusty, but when this is all over, your father may be going away for a little while.
Clark Griswold: I think you're all fucked in the head. We're ten hours from the fucking fun park and you want to bail out. Well I'll tell you something. This is no longer a vacation. It's a quest. It's a quest for fun. I'm gonna have fun and you're gonna have fun. We're all gonna have so much fucking fun we'll need plastic surgery to remove our godamn smiles. You'll be whistling 'Zip-A-Dee Doo-Dah' out of you're assholes! Ahh. ha. ha. ha. I gotta be crazy! I'm on a pilgrimage to see a moose. Praise Marty Moose! Holy Shit!
Lasky, Guard at Walleyworld: Sorry folks, park's closed. Moose out front shoulda told ya.
Roy Walley: Well, somebody better explain, or there'll, uh... there'll be a lot of explaining to do.
Lasky, Guard at Walleyworld: That's not a real gun, is it Clark?
Clark Griswold: Are you kidding this is a Magnum P.I.
Lasky, Guard at Walleyworld: Its a BB gun. You couldn't even break the skin with that thing.
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